Update from Europe

After my IUI#4 failed, I have to decide what will happen next. What will be my plans, what should I do next? Here are some of my options:

a) Stick with my RE, get an HSG and hysteroscopy, and keep on trying
During my last ultrasound, my RE said she saw a tiny polyp in my uterus. She did not think it was big and said she wanted to go ahead with the IUI, but if it did not work out, she wanted to do a hysteroscopy to check out the polyp. I definitely want to get a second opinion about this polyp before I pay for an expensive test. And what if it is a polyp? Do I then have to pay for surgery to get it removed? If she is okay with doing an IUI now, why wouldn't she be okay with doing another IUI later?
She also wanted to do an HSG since this seems to be standard procedure at her clinic if you do not get pregnant after 3 medicated IUIs. the HSG test shows if my fallopian tubes are blocked or not. The usually are blocked as a result of bacteria from STDs. I never had one. There is really no reason why my tubes should be blocked. There are other reasons why I think my previous IUIs did not all work out so well (e.g. the nurse who took forever to insert the cath for the IUI.
So, there are two tests she wants me to do, before she will let me continue on trying. My insurance won`t cover any of the costs and she quoted me about $800 for one test and $500 for the other. Since I have not been to happy with her and her clinic, I am not sure if I will really want to pay that much more money for tests that I am not convinced I will need. Plus, I really wasn`t happy with her and her clinic and the service they provided.

b) Look for a new doctor and continue IUIs with him or her
I was recommended a new doctor and I am almost ready to make an appointment with him. However, if I switch doctors, I will probably have to repeat all the blood screening tests and he might also require an HSG test. There is no guarantee that he will be nicer and things will work out more smoothly.

c) Try ICIs at home.
From another local SMC, I found out that there is one sperm bank that sells sperm without requiring a doctor's signature. I could order sperm from them and try it at home. However, the banks number of sperm donors is not very high and you do not get that much information from them. So, I am not sure if I want to go that route. Plus, it is a little less expensive but not that much. However, the chances to get pregnant are significantly lower than with IUI.

d) Find a clinic in Europe and do IVF there next summer.
I think this would be the best solution at this point, but it is also the solution I worry most about. How can I plan such an important step from a different continent? What if they have requirement (e.g. weight) that I do not meet? Are there hidden cost I am not aware of yet? Is it true that you have absolutely no say in who the donor is going to be? What if work prevents me to come to Europe for the procedure? So many uncertainties, so many questions.

So, I am currently trying to make a decision what to do next.... Even if giving advice is difficult in a situation, any opinions are always highly appreciated.

It is Christmas and I always hoped that I would be telling my parents and family this Christmas that I would be expecting. I had it all planned out in my mind. Instead, my cousin`s wife, the most obnoxious person in the whole wide world, is pregnant... again. Having a really hard time getting into the Christmas mood at the moment....

Enough!

Last Saturday, Hope from "A Crack in Everything" posted about the "The Sadim Touch" and ever since, the post has been stuck in my head. I loved that post.

Sadim is Midas spelled backwards and if you remember your greek myths, you might know that Midas' gift of choice was that everything he touched would turn into gold. What seemed as a blessing at first turned into a curse when he had to find out that there were no exceptions. His food and even his loved ones would turn to gold as well.

In her post, Hope refers to another website about Modern Loss. The idea behind the sadim touch is the feeling - whether it is true or not - that one might be cursed. That everything around us goes wrong, or even that people around us keep on dying, because we subconsciously attract bad luck or are cursed somehow.

Recently, my fourth IUI failed. With each failed attempt, my longing for answers grew: Why? What is wrong with me that I cannot get pregnant even when I have seemingly perfect timing? Am I cursed somehow?

Years and years ago, during an argument, my mom did it. In a burst of anger she yelled at me:

"You... you will never have kids!"

I don't even recall the argument anymore. I was still a teenager and I might have been criticizing her because she was disciplining me for something. I might have told her that I will never raise my kids like she raised me. And then she said it. It hit me like a bold of lightening. I remember being in utter shock because of her words. They hurt so much that I still remember them.

But yet, I don't think that I am cursed. If my mom had the power the curse me, she would also have the power to bless me - and if she had the power to bless me with a child, I would hold one in my arms right now.

For me, failing one IUI after another feels more like being left over. Do you remember when you were in gym class and the captains selected their teams? Each captain picked one or two people and then the other captain got to choose and so it went back and forth until everybody was on a team... unless there was an uneven number. Then one kid had to sit that game out and got benched.

I feel like I got benched by life.

Instead of finding their teams, everybody found their husbands or spouses or partners ... except for me - I am left over.
Instead of playing with the others, scoring one goal after another, my friends played family and had one baby after another... except for me - I am still benched.

But why? What is wrong with me? In gym class, you are the one left over when you cannot run fast enough or play ball well enough. But why am I benched in life? What is it that I am lacking? Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Is that why I cannot find a husband and have a child?

Pondering about these questions reminded me of a quote by Anna Quindlen:
"After all those years as a woman hearing 'not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not this enough, not that enough,' almost overnight I woke up one morning and thought, 'I'm enough.'

So, I finally came to the conclusion: Enough!

There is no point in blaming myself for not having a child right now or for not being married. It is not my fault. Maybe there were too many kids for too few teams. Or maybe there were too many teams and we should have all actually been on the same team, playing around with a big colorful parachute instead. After all, the world is not black and white and there is not just one cause to one effect. There are so many colors and so many things that intertwine and play together for one thing to happen or in my case: to not happen. Blaming just one tiny variable, blaming just me tiny variable, is plain old silly.

So, enough with all the blaming!

Another BFN

My IUI #4 did not work out either. I have known it for a few days, when my HPT came back negative. Even though I knew it, I was still holding up hope. And then, this afternoon, while hiding from an upcoming tornado in my little downstairs bathroom, AF showed up. So, I sat in the dark, covered in pillows and cushions hugging my computer and crying on a waterproof box with my most important documents in it. I listened to the rain and storm outside and inside of me, until slowly, it started to calmed down. I waited a little longer before I came out of the bathroom and wrote my mom: "It's over, but I still have not completely made it through the storm, yet." Tomorrow, when the world looks different again, I will inspect the damage and check what needs to be fixed.

Christmas Blessings

While I am waiting for things to come - good or bad - I had to do something to keep me from going crazy. So, I decided that even if I cannot have my own child and spoil it this Christmas, I should at least spoil someone else's child, preferably one that does not often get spoiled.

I learned about Operation Christmas Child a few years ago and sent out a package back then. I'm not sure if I really believe in missionary work and it seems quite sneaky to try to missionize little kids by bribing them with gifts, but on the other hand, I really believe that every child deserves to be loved and spoiled once in a while. So, this year, I decided to pack a shoebox again.

Some people try to pack as many shoeboxes as possible, because they want to bless as many kids as possible. But for me, it was not about that. I wanted to bless one child, and I wanted to bless that child good. Not with cheap happy meal toys and dollar store gifts, but with real gifts that I would carefully choose and put together.

Operation Christmas Child let's you select the gender and age range of the child you pack a shoebox for. I decided that I would start out with going to the local toy store and looking for a toy that speaks to me and then build the rest of the box around that. I spent a lot of time in the Lego section of the store but I could not really find the right gift. Did you know that most Lego sets and figures have some sort of weapons in them? When I found a teddy bear in a pink tutu, I knew this shoe box was going to be for a little girl...

Besides the bear, I bought a lot of other girly stuff which is kinda strange, because I myself have never been a girly girl. Besides my baby doll, I never played with typical girl toys as a child. Nevertheless, I filled the box with all kinds of girly stuff: princess stickers, a princess note pad and a coloring book, colored pencils, a little beading set, a princess toothbrush and soap (they ask for personal hygiene products), cute pink socks, a pink jumping rope, glow in the dark stars, balloons, and some candy. In the end, the box was so full that the teddy bear had to get into some serious yoga pose so that I would be able to close the lid. You are not supposed to tape the box, because they still inspect the boxes before they send them out. Oh dear, I really hope they get it all back in if they decide to take it apart. Haha.

Even if I won`t be blessed with a child growing in my belly this Christmas, I at least tried to bless a child that is somewhere out there.

IUI #4

So, I am currently in the middle of my 2WW for IUI #4. After I had recovered from the failure of what I thought was the perfect IUI (perfect timing, perfect 2WW etc.), I sat down and thought about my future plans.

My long-term plan has always been to keep on trying until the end of the year and if I did not get pregnant by then, to stop, start saving more money, start losing more weight and eventually do an IVF in Europe next summer. So, after the last IUI did not work out, I figured this would be my last try and it had to be my best try.

First, I got an ultrasound as mandated by Dr. Stork, to make sure I did not grow any cysts. I did not and was all cleared.

I then decided to take letrozole, hoping that this time, I would grow two eggs. Unfortunately, my body decided not to grow two eggs but instead one egg and something tiny and round in my uterus that my doctor said looked like a polyp. Great! Obviously, my body and I are not on the same page when it comes to the plan for this cycle. Last time, I had an extremely short period and I think it might be related to that. My doctor assured me that it was probably harmless and due to the small size and the location, it would not really influence my chances to conceive. So, I went ahead with the conception and used two vials in the hopes to increase the sperm count - which it did not really do drastically. I heard from other women that they had a higher count with one vial than I had with two.

This IUI was nothing like my last "perfect" cycle. There were no rainbows, but a cloudy, slightly rainy sky and I had no time to lie down but had to rush back to work. The warm, fuzzy, positive feeling I had last time, turned into a rather nervous and bad feeling this time....

In addition to that, I had to go to a work event this weekend. I had to give a presentation with a colleague of mine and, let`s put it this way, she was not the easiest to work with. So, I was under a lot of stress and usually my body already reacts to the tiniest bit of stress. Also, I had to drive more than 300 miles and since I did not want to take my own car, I rented one. As it was my luck, the rental car was in dire need of getting its tires rotated. As soon as I hit the highway, the entire car started shaking so badly that I had a hard time to hold the steering wheel straight. Later at night, when I was lying in bed, I could still feel everything around me shaking. So, I really do not know how with all the stress, the shaking car and the polyp, an egg could possibly stand the slightest chance for proper implantation.

Anyway, I will wait until the end of the week before I will test. Someone told me that it is important to hold on to hope as long as possible, so that is what I am trying to do. I still have some important work events this week and I do not want to be too sad and distracted during them. However, I am already a total mess. I have really bad PMS and could just cry all day long because of everything and everyone. Usually, get angry or agitated when I have PMS but this time, I am just incredibly sad. Maybe it is the medication or the bad circumstances. I also started to have some cramping. It was hard to tell yesterday, while I drove back home in that shaking car, but today, I clearly felt like AF was about to arrive. It is not so much cramping, but more a sort of pulling sensation, but I sometimes get it before or during AF. It does not feel too good.

So, for now, I will just keep on waiting and holding on to that tiny shred of hope left in me...

Sunshine Award

Guess what! - I have been nominated for a Sunshine Award by Hope at A Crack in Everything. Thank you, Hope!
I am so excited because I have never really been nominated for anything online. Oh boy, oh boy. 

The rules and new nominees can be found at the end of the post.

But first, I think I have to answer some questions now, so here we go:

1. Where do you feel the most at home (other than, you know, in your actual home)?

      It already starts out tricky. I knew it! Well, let`s see.... I actually have several homes. I currently live in the US, in the Midwest to be a little more specific, but originally, I am from Europe. I grew up there and my whole family still lives there. They are spread out all over the EU, some because of their careers and others because they got married.

      The place, where I grew up, the little town, where I know the names of almost everyone, where I know people`s life stories and who is related to whom even if just through a second cousin three generations removed, where I know who I can trust and who I can ask for help if I need anything and where I would drop everything to help others, the place where I feel safe – that is my real home. The place, I currently live in is also nice. I have cute little townhouse that I rent, nice colleagues I work with etc. but I barely know my neighbors’ names and I have never been in their houses or heard their stories. On some level, it is home, too, but it’s not quite the same as my real home.
       So, besides these “actual homes”, I feel most at home where I went to grad school. It was one of the best times, if not THE best time of my life. I know my way around in that town and still have some friends who live there. Going there for a visit feels a little bit like coming home...

2. What song brings back good memories?

     Maybe “The Space Between” by the Dave Matthews Band or Norah Jones’ “Don’t Know Why”. They remind me of grad school, sitting in coffee shops doing homework, they remind me of friends, being in love, having dreams and plans for the future and just being my true self.

3. When did you know that you were ready to have children?

     I have felt ready to have children for a long time. In fact, I cannot recall a time, when I did not feel ready to have children. I always wanted them. But the circumstances were not always right.

      I knew I was ready to get seriously started TTC last year. I had accepted a permanent position in a new town a year earlier. When I realized that I could potentially stay in this position for the rest of my career, but that I would probably not find a prince charming with whom I could start a new family in the near future, I decided it was time to look pull out plan B. My biological clock was ticking too loud and I knew it would not make sense to wait for something that might never happen, so I started to prepare for TTC.

4. What's your next big (non-child-related) goal?

     This is another tough question. At the moment all my thinking and doing is centered on getting pregnant. My other goals are dependent on when or if it will work out. The next big goal would be either to work on my career here and get promoted, or to go back to Europe and find a new career there. In any case, I don`t think life will get boring any time soon.

5. What's one of your pet peeves?

     When people do not take responsibility for their actions. Enough said...

6. What's one of your favorite keepsakes?

      I think my favorite keepsake is not an object but memories or feelings. Growing up, my family has taught me not to get too attached to material things or objects: “We love God and we love each other, but we do not get attached to things.” I still believe that to be a good rule to live by.

7. Cats or dogs?

     Neither one... or both??? I am not a big animal person. I like the idea of a cat, they are snuggly and soft, but in reality I am allergic. I always ended up with swollen eyes when I visited a friend who had a cat. In addition to that, I had a distant aunt who ended up being the stereotypical cat lady taking in any stray cat in a 50-mile radius. If you have ever stepped inside a house that was occupied by 500 cats and one old lady, your love for cats will be cured for quite some time. I also like the idea of a dog, of going for long walks and having a dog waiting for me when I get home. But in reality, I am probably also allergic...

8. If you could live in any other place or time, what would it be?

      I used to think I would like to be a pioneer woman. That I would have liked to immigrate to the Midwest in the 1850s and built a new life for my family here. I think it would have been a tough life, but also an adventure.

      But to be honest, even if I really had the choice, I think I would stay right here in this time. I like things like antibiotics, technology and of course I like the internet. So, I would not really like to go back in time. I think I would not last very long. And going into the future? No, I think I would rather not like to know what is ahead of me. If I had known how difficult certain things in life would be, I would have never started them. But it is a good thing that I did, so sometimes ignorance is bliss, I think.

9. If you had money to give away, who would receive it?

     I’m honestly not sure. I have never placed too much value on money. I have never been rich, nor really poor. I have always had what I needed and I have always been happy with what I had. But I never had so much money that I could easily give it away in big amounts. I think if I had that kind of money, then I would pick a cause or an organization that would benefit society. I would look for the first tiny domino that I could push over so that the entire game would start falling into place. So, for example, instead of paying for one cancer patient’s treatment, I would try to sponsor medical students or their research, because if I can help them be successful, they might help more than just one person. If I had money to give away, I would try to invest it in the future instead of trying to fix the present.

10. When was the last time you laughed really hard?

     The last time when I laughed really hard was probably when my aunt came to visit me. I cannot really recall what we laughed about. I just remember that we sat at the dinner table talking and laughing for hours. We laughed so hard that our tummies hurt and even the next day we were sore from laughing so much. That was almost 6 years ago. I miss it.

A Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day. The rules:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award.
5. Post 10 questions for your nominees. 
6. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.

So here are my new nominees. Please feel free to answer my questions below. Everything is voluntary, but of course, I would like to learn more about you. 

1. Surly Mama from It's definitely possible
2. The mom from Expiring Eggs
3. Sarah from OMG There's Three
4. R from Searching for Mommyhood
5. Carla from The Bubblelush
6. Little One from The Clock Finally Started Ticking
7. Becky from Already in my Heart, Someday in my Arms...
8. Ali from A Planned Life
9. The mom from The Solo Mama Project
10. You! Yes, you - whoever is reading this and has not been named yet, but would like a little sunshine.

Here are my 10 questions for you:

1. We only know each other online, so let`s start getting to know each other a little better. Tell me one thing about yourself that you really, really like about yourself, e.g. a character trait, a physical trait, anything!
2. What is the nicest thing that anybody has ever said to you (besides "I love you")?
3. What do you do on a lazy Saturday or Sunday morning?
4. Where in the world would you like to travel if you could go anywhere?
5. If you had to summarize your life (so far) in one sentence or a headline, what would it be?
6. What is your favorite movie and why do you like it so much?
7. How have you dealt with in the past or do you deal with disappointments in your TTC journey? (In other words: Do you have some advice for others how to make them feel better after a disappointment?)
8. If you have any routines in your life, name the one you enjoy most (working out, your morning cup of joe etc.).
9. Is there anything that you would have differently on your TTC journey if you had known from the start what you know now?
10. Is a split question:
a. If you TTC-ed with an anonymous donor: What would you do if by accident or chance you suddenly found out the identity of your donor?
b. If you TTC-ed with a known donor or your husband: Please make up your own question, because I am running out of creativity and 10 questions was really all I could handle. :) 

I'm looking forward to your answers!
 

Sad news

Unfortunately, my last IUI did not end up in a pregnancy. I took a test on Friday and was really sad when I saw the result. Everything was just perfect this cycle. The sperm seemed good, the timing was ideal and yet, it was not meant to be.

I spent the weekend moping at home and playing phone tag with my RE's office. When I told them it did not work out, a nurse called me back and left a message on my voicemail. She said the doctor had some recommendations for me and I should call back Sunday morning for them to go over these recommendations with me.
Okay, I admit, it was a little strange. Which doctor or nurse asks you to call back on a Sunday morning unless something bad is about to happen that urgently has to be taken care of? Nevertheless, I was happy that the doctor actually seemed to have a plan.
However, when I called back, there was a different nurse on call that had no clue about any recommendations and told me I should schedule a consultation with my doctor. None of the consultations I ever had with the doctor really led to any treatment plans.

It is moments like these, when I really miss not having more friends or family living close by. It is amazing how quickly you can go from hoping that there is another person growing inside your belly to feeling like the loneliest person in the world.

Good old Johann Wolfgang von Goethe put it  in words better than I ever could:

Joyful
and sorrowful,
being full of thoughts,
longing
and trembling
in pending pain,
skyhigh rejoicing
saddened to death,
happy alone
is the soul that loves. 

(This is my translation of Clärchen´s Lied by Goethe, but there are other translations out there.) Maybe "happy" is the wrong translation in the second to last line. Maybe it should rather read "fortunate"- fortunate to have the chance to feel all these emotions. How dull and boring would my life be if I never had hope and never loved?

Sure the "saddened to death" part is no fun to go through, but it is only one part of the whole concept of love.

In my last post, I wrote about the rainbow I saw after my IUI and how much hope it gave me. However, it was really hard to spot. I was only able to see its reflection in the clouds. Once they moved away, the rainbow disappeared as well.
I never felt more like a cloud of sadness is hanging over me as I feel it right now. I could write something about how it reflects my hope and how my love will shine through once the cloud of sadness moves away, but to be honest, I am just too sad to write anything else beyond this point...

IUI #3

Yesterday morning, I am in my car, driving past beautiful yellow fields to my first IUI. The sky is bright blue, the air is crisp and the leaves are starting to change. It is the perfect fall day.

The receptionist is surprisingly nice to me this time. I sign the consent forms and start waiting for the sperm to thaw. The nurse that leads me to the examination room smiles at me and tells me that I have a great sample this time. I look at the tiny vial he hands me and marvel at the possibilities in that tiny amount of liquid I hold in my hands. I snap a quick picture and then place the vial in my bra, under my heart and send out a quick prayer that this will be the one. The sample is just right, the donor is right, the timing is right... this could be the one.

The nurse is friendly and handles the sample with much more care than the nurse who did the last IUI. She explains to me what she is about to do but this time, it really hurts. The last two attempts were over before I even really noticed what was going on. This time, it hurts so much I feel everything. She cannot get into my cervix, she tries different speculas and positions. I keep on sending prayers to heaven that it will work and that everything will be okay. I am about to start crying from the pain when she finally says "Now, I am in". I breath a deep sigh of relief.

I keep on resting on the examination table for another 15 min. before I pay and leave. I parked my car at the end of the parking lot where it is quiet and peaceful. I open all the windows to rest a little longer on the back seat. As I am lying there, I watch the few white clouds in the blue sky above me. I send up another prayer when suddenly, I see it. First barely noticeable, but then clearly there.

A tiny rainbow reflected in the clouds.

... and suddenly, I know: Everything is going to be alright.

Bye-bye hope for IUI #2

So, my second IUI did not work out, either. I tested first thing in the morning on what I believe was 14 dpo and I got just one line.

I was kinda expecting that result. The sperm count was just too low. But since I am not very good at emotionally preparing myself for disappointment, it still hit me pretty hard.

I stopped taking the progesterone, but I still feel the "fake" pregnancy signs that progesterone causes, such as the tender breasts etc. I actually feel them a little worse and I am also cramping. It does not hurt the same way as it usually does. It actually hurts worse, but I am not sure, if this is really just AF or my psyche playing tricks on me.

I think; I did pretty well. I went to church today and out for lunch even though all I want to do is lie in bed and sleep. I think all the hoping and disappointment is just exhausting.

I am not quite sure what to do next. After the way my nurse and doctor handled the whole situation, I am ready to find a new RE but since this is not all that easy, I think I have to stay put for now. According to the sperm bank it is supposed to take several weeks for them to investigate the situation and I am not sure if I will ever see a refund from them. So frustrating! I am not sure if I should switch banks, because that is not the first time something did not turn out the ways it was supposed to with them. I am not sure if I should switch donors and if yes, who I should pick next. There do not seem to be any good options, just bad options and worse options. Maybe I need to wait out for a few cycles, but I really do not want to, even though taking a break and losing more weight might be the best solution at the moment.

I am not sure what to do. There are so many decisions to make and they can have such huge consequences. When it comes to picking a lunch choice I already suck at making decisions. How will I ever make the right decisions in this situation? I feel like I am all alone in this. Feeling a little overwhelmed right now...

How to Throw a Pity Party

When an IUI does not work out or when you get invited to the third wedding or baby shower in 2 weeks or when you hear that your coworker is pregnant... again... without trying, it is time for a pity party. Here are some tips how to make your pity party a full success:

1. Be prepared.
Pity parties usually come out of nowhere, so be prepared for the unexpected! The question is not, if it will happen but when it will happen. So, being prepared is essential. Every good single household should have at least one emergency pint of ice cream hidden in the freezer. I prefer Ben and Jerry's Phish Food, but Chocolate Peanut Butter from Häagen Dazs will do, too. Calories do not count while you are partying, so do not read the nutrition label. But make sure to hide the ice cream behind some frozen brussels sprouts to avoid cravings when it is not a real emergency. 

2. Plan a time and date for your party.
No kidding. You do not want to break out into a pity party in the middle of a work day. Just like early guests at parties are annoying, so are tears rolling down your cheeks in your office. Set a time and date for your party. And don`t forget: All good things must come to an end at some point and this party is no exception. So, be prepared that the next day, you must be able to pick yourself up again.

3. Don`t worry about the guest list.
There won`t be any guests, but you, yourself and ... well you. Shared misery is only half the misery but the point of a pity party is to bath in your misery. So, if you throw a pity party, you better do it alone.

4. Pick a dress.
The dress code will clearly be grungy and comfy, but even when a girl is down, she can still show some style. Choose yoga pants over sweatpants, and cute pjs over your old college Tshirt. Hoodies with ample pocket room for used tissues make great pity party attire - but pick a cute one. There is a difference between a (pity) party girl and a loser.

5. Food choices.
Besides the emergency ice cream, you should also serve some other food. But do not worry, pity party food does not require any kind of culinary skills. Processed and pre-packaged food is preferable. But be careful before you dive into that random bag of potato chips! At some point the party will end and you cannot afford a food hangover. It is better to opt for food that you deeply desire but never allow yourself to eat. I personally opt for chocolate truffles or milano cookies. You know yourself best and what is good for you. Remember: During pity parties nutritional labels become invalid. One package equals one portion size which equals 0 calories.

6. Bottoms up.
Usually I would say that froofy drinks make great pity party beverages, but when you are trying to conceive, I would rather opt for a non-alcoholic drink. I would say, stick to water or herbal tea. If you dehydrate from all the crying, this will pick you right up again.

7. Location, location.
Your apartment is a great place for a pity party. Don`t try to move it to a public place or a friend`s house. They will not appreciate it. I would recommend your bed or the sofa for your pity party. Hold some tissues, soft blankets and fluffy pillows ready. You will need them. Trust me.

8. Don`t clean up before the party starts.
There is no point to it. Just trow yourself in there. It will be fine, I promise. Dust bunnies are our friends.

9. Select a theme.
Selecting a theme for a pity party can be tricky. Do not go with themes that are too broad like "The whole world hates me" or "Nobody loves me." These kind of parties are too big to handle on your own. They require professional help and should take place on the sofa of a counselor. Rather pick a specific topic like: "Shit, this IUI did not work". The more specific the better to keep the party under control.

10. Music and entertainment.
The right choice of music will set the atmosphere for your pity party. Pick some music that gets you into the right mood. I personally prefer Joni Mitchell, but whatever floats your boat... Remember there will be no dancing at your party, so do not pick any upbeat music. Rhythmically shaking your shoulders while sobbing to the beat of a sad song is as far as it goes during a pity party. You may sing, sob, cry along to the songs but no karaoke, please.
You may also pick a sad movie to watch during your pity party. Watching other people suffer will give you the illusion that you are not alone in your misery without bothering your real-life friends. I like "Ladies in Lavender" but you may pick the movie that best matches your mood. Falling asleep in front of the TV surrounded by empty bowls of ice cream, chocolate wrappers and used tissues is a sign that your pity party rocked the house! Congratulations, your party was a success!

That`s about it and all I got when it comes to throwing a pity party. But wait!!! The party might be over, but your work isn`t: You still have to avoid the hangover!

1. Get up!
Remember to pick yourself up the next morning. Do not stay down. You can do it! Deep down inside, you know that you are strong! The first steps are the hardest, but you can get yourself out of this hole if you keep on moving. With every step you take, it will get a little bit better. Trust me. Whenever you feel down again, tell yourself: The pity party is over.

A little side note: A pity party should not last more than a day. If you feel like your pity party goes on for days or even weeks, it is time to call in professional help in form of a party planner, read: psychologist or counselor. He can provide you with good advice how to get back up going - if necessary with anti-party drugs.

 2. Take care of yourself.
Take a hot shower! Use your favorite shower gel. Do not take a bath since baths let you soak in your own misery. So, take a hot shower and moisturize. Put on some make up that is not waterproof. This will prevent you from crying in public. Choose your favorite clothes and be prepared to look like the strong, fabulous woman that you are. Show your inner beauty on the outside. And smile!

3. Go back under people.
Meet up with friends and colleagues. Do not stay at home, but socialize. Do something fun together that takes your thoughts off your problems. There are so many nice things out in the world. Go and find them!

4. Buy yourself flowers!
They serve absolutely no practical purpose, nobody really "needs" flowers. If you are on a budget, you probably have not bought flowers in a long while. Flowers are things that people cross off their shopping lists as soon as money gets tight. But now it is time to buy yourself flowers. Flowers are therapeutic. You deserve something that you do not need. You are worth it. Flowers reflect the beauty that is inside of you and will bring a little bit of beauty into your apartment. But flowers do not last forever. With every day that your flowers wilt a little bit, be reminded that your strength grows. And by the time they are gone, the world will look completely different again and the pity party will long be forgotten.

5. Pick up the pieces.
Just like you have to pick up the trash the day after your party, you will also have to pick up your life. What is your next step? How are you going to get back on track? Make a list of long-term and short-term goals and strategies to reach these goals. You have fallen off the horse, now get yourself back up there. Every failure makes you stronger.

6. Polish your karma.
It is okay to still feel a little down. Sometimes, we do not succeed picking ourself up as quickly as we would like. But if you cannot make yourself feel better, help a friend feel better.  If you cannot lift your own burden, lift someone else`s. There is so much suffering and struggling in this world, and there shouldn`t be. Find a friend or a coworker who is going through a rough time in life and lend him or her an ear. Do not talk about your problems, but be there for them - completely. Listen, comfort, and lift them up. Helping others always makes me feel better and who knows? Maybe next time, they will be there for you. What goes around, comes around.

And finally:
7. Don`t give up!!!

Being treated like a criminal

A few weeks ago, I read an article about a nurse who was asked to help care for a man, who had committed several horrible crimes and killed multiple people. She could have declined the job, but she accepted it. The article was about how she dealt with the situation - on the one hand feeling committed to her job and trying to be professional. On the other hand feeling disgusted by his crimes (and maybe even hating him for what he did). In the article she described what her daily work routine looked like. She felt obliged to give this man what was absolutely necessary but made a point of not giving him the tiniest bit more than that. Her little form of protest was not to call him "honey" or "sweety" when she interacted with him.

This past week, I had my second IUI. Since my first IUI, I felt quite frustrated with Dr. Stork and my nurse. They always do their job, but never anything beyond the bare minimum. When I paid for a test or an ultrasound, I would get the test or the ultrasound. But nothing beyond that. For example, I asked the nurse about the results of a test and she gave me the numbers, but nothing else. When I asked her what these numbers really meant for me and my further treatment or what she thought I should do next, she told me that it was up to me. Everything was always just up to me. It was so frustrating.
I cannot make these decisions, since I do not have a medical degree. All I know about the subject is from the books I read and some strangers on the internet who answer questions in an online forum. I go to the doctor to get advice but all they do is force me to take more and more tests without explanation.

When I got my second IUI, I was almost out of the door already when I remembered to ask about my progesterone and if I should continue taking progesterone. The nurse had already disappeared so the receptionist called her back and she told me that I should in fact continue taking progesterone. What bothered me so much is that she would not have told me if I had not asked about it. So, now I am wondering what else she is not telling me just because I do not know that I have to ask about it. 

Yesterday, I finally realized that my nurse could be the nurse from that article. She is doing her job and giving me the minimum treatment or information necessary, but nothing beyond that. I have a feeling that she is not agreeing with my choice to become a single mother and that this might be the reason why she is not giving me any advice. She is doing her job, but she is highly indifferent towards me becoming pregnant which is pretty much my life at the moment.

I think I have to let this nurse and doctor go.

This is not easy for me, since she came recommended from other SMCs and I trusted their judgment. But by now, one of the SMCs who had recommended her to me has moved on to a different doctor, too. I am disappointed and quite hurt. I am just trying to have a baby, I am not a criminal who killed other people.

On Monday, Dr. Stork is supposed to call me back and we will see how that will turn out... I already made a new appointment with a different doctor, but that doctor cannot see me until the end of October and is probably going to have me redo all the tests. So, more costs for me even though I did nothing wrong. Life is so unfair right now.

Disappearing support team

I just had my second IUI. More details about it later...

Has anybody ever noticed how people disappear over time. When I started this "journey to motherhood", I had friends rooting for me. I was told that I was brave and that they were happy for me. With every single hurdle or fallback, there are fewer and fewer times they ask about me or about this process. They disappear. It is easy to root for the winning team, but when times get harder, and you would need them the most, the cheering crowds disappear... Feeling a little lonely right now...

Summer Break

Just a quick note:

Unfortunately, my first IUI did not work out. But I am currently on summer break. More posts coming soon.

Before

Tomorrow morning, my "before" ends.

I know this sounds like a weird statement but there is a background story to this. I bought these super early pregnancy tests that advertise a success rate of more than 50% if you take them 6 days before your missed period. So, tomorrow morning, I could take the very first pregnancy test in my life.

I could.

But I am not sure if I should...

For the last days, I wanted to test so badly. It drove me crazy that everything could have been already decided but I would have to wait and wait before I would be able to find out a result. But now, that tomorrow is almost here, I am not sure what to do.

If I would get a positive result, it would be the end of my life as I know it. I would no longer be the single gal. I would be the pregnant, soon-to-be mom. I would be everything I always wanted to be.

But I would also worry. I would worry that the baby would not "stick". That something might still go wrong. That I should eat healthier, not lift so heavy, should try to increase my progesterone etc. etc. I would worry how and when to tell my parents or my friends.

But most of all, I think I would be happier than ever before in my life. It would be pure bliss! Life would never be the same again.



But what if I will get a negative result?

I know my heart would break...

Sure, I could try to find comfort in reminding myself, that it might be too early for me to test. I ovulated relatively late (I always do). So, maybe my body also needs more time for implantation and to produce hCG - the hormone that pregnancy tests are supposed to detect. I could repeat the test a few days later. which might give me an even higher success rate. But my heart would be broken and I would be worrying even more and I would get sadder and sadder with every day and every negative test result. Life would never be the same again, either.

But right now, it is not tomorrow yet. I cannot test, yet, I can still hope, have faith and feel my love grow for a baby that might be growing inside of me. I am not sure, if I am ready, yet, to give up that hope and faith in exchange for some chemical fact in form of a stick that I am supposed to pee on.

Not quite ready yet...

The Struggles of the TWW

This is my first TWW. Despite reading online forums and websites, I have to admit, I had no clue, how hard it would be.

Trying to conceive as a single mom is all about waiting. First, you wait for your very first R.E. appointment, nervous if the doctor will accept you as a patient even though you are not married or in a relationship. Then you wait for the cycle that you have chosen to be THE cycle. Then you wait for your ovulation and your insemination, only to be thrown into the TWW. And if, yes only if you are blessed enough, you wait for holding your baby in your arms for the very first time.

You seem to have so little influence on the outcome and you just wait and wait and wait.

In my opinion, one of the worst things about the TWW is that everything might already be decided by now, but yet, I still have to wait for 10 days or so, to be able to find out. Maybe the insemination took place too late and I had already ovulated much earlier than the OPK indicated. Maybe the fact that I felt the insemination on my left side but the ultrasound a few days earlier had shown the biggest egg on the right side was already a sign that it did not work. If it is clear at this point that it did not work, I would like to know it. I hate hoping and wishing and waiting for 10 more days if everything is decided already.

To make matters worse, I am not even sure what exactly I am waiting for. A positive pregnancy test, of course, but a positive test on which day? Should I test on day 10? That will be the day that I will fly to Europe. Should I test on board of a airplane over the Atlantic? Should I wait until 14 dpo? I will be in Europe then and even if I get a positive result, I won`t be able to get a blood test done until I return to the US, 4 weeks later!!! My two week wait might actually turn into a six week wait - oh the horror, but still a million times better than a negative result!

When my mother became pregnant with me, she went to the doctor who had her take urine tests and all the tests came back negative until she was in her third month and he finally decided to examine her instead of just trusting the tests. And surprise! Sure enough, she was pregnant with me. She had been all along.

So, for now, I am waiting for any signs, for a positive pregnancy test and a positive feeling. I am waiting and waiting and waiting...

Two Week Wait - My list of distractions

In the SMC forum, somebody posted a link to a list of things to do during the two week wait. I loved that list, it was so funny. So, I thought I would like to come up with my own list for my two week wait.

During my TWW, I will be on break from work. Even though, I always have work at home, too, there are less distractions at home. So, I think I need some routine and some daily projects to keep me from getting too impatient.

One of the challenges when it comes to writing my TWW list is that half-way through my TWW, I will travel to Europe. Maybe I will try to take my first pregnancy test in a plane over the Atlantic. Yikes! So, we will see how this is going to work out.

Anyway, here are some things I plan on doing as a daily routine:

* In the morning: A Bible Study
It is always a challenge for me to stick to a bible study until the end, but I have a good study and that I wanted to do for a long time. So, I think I will split it up in 14 parts, and do it during my TWW.

* During lunch: A good book
My bookshelves are full of books that I wanted to read for a long time. So, I picked a book that I want to tackle during the TWW.  Dividing the book up into 14 parts should work out pretty well. I am thinking, maybe I will tackle "The next best thing" by Jennifer Weiner.

* At night: A TV series
Every year on black friday, I buy DVDs with TV shows when they are on sale. However, I have not always the time to watch them from start to finish. So, I am thinking, I will pick a show that I have not finished yet, and I will watch 1 or 2 episodes at the end of the day. That way, I will make it through a season before I will fly home.

So, these are my routines, but then I should also try to find a special activity for each day. So far, I only have today planned:  A Taizé worship. We will see what comes up tomorrow.

IUI

I had my IUI yesterday morning.

I made sure I was at the office extra early, because I did not want to call them from the road to thaw the sperm. I know it is silly, but I did not want to call them and then end up in an accident and not be able to make the appointment in time.

They gave me the sperm to warm it up in my hands and put it in my bra. I placed it under my breast, close to my heart and became very emotional.

The procedure was very quick and I lay in the office for an additional 15 min. because I had read that it would improve my chances. Then I left and lay down in my car for another hour. I watched some sitcoms on my iPod and talked to my mom on the phone (she does not know what is going on, yet). I decided to go shopping for a while and then had a salad for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, because it was a special day.

Then I drove home and chatted with some friends. I am so blessed because I have the best friends in the world!

At night, I bought some pregnancy tests that are now sitting in my bathroom waiting to be used when the time comes...

My mom and my best friend both said that they knew right away that they were pregnant. They felt it. I`m not sure if I feel anything yet. But I am hopeful...

The Mama-Bear-Mobil

When I picked an RE for this adventure, I chose one that is in the next bigger city. Since I wanted a good doctor, I did not mind the drive. But I always wondered, if it would be ideal to sit in my car for an hour or an hour and a half driving right after an IUI. I know they usually let you lie on their table for 15 min. or so after the procedure, but still.

So, I considered taking a hotel room for the day. Just so that I would have place to lie down for a little longer. But that just seemed awkward. And I might not find a room that I could move into right there in the morning.

So, if I want to lie down a little longer before I'll drive home, it has to be in my car. There is a huge parking lot in front of Dr. Stork's office and it is never really full. I could park my car on the side and lie there for a while. And so began Operation Mama-Bear-Mobil.

Here are some features of my Mama-Bear-Mobil:
* comfi seat that can be brought almost into horizontal position,
* extra soft and fluffy pillows to snuggle with while the swimmers race for my eggs,
* a thermos with yummy iced tea or ginger ale
* a good book about single motherhood to enhance positive thinking
* my iPod with relaxing music
* a diary and pen to capture the moment and jot down whatever comes to my mind right after the insemination

... there might also be some chocolate. For the nerves. I'm thinking creamy chocolate with nuts. Maybe...

Okay, okay, I'll admit it. I packed some Nutella. Who says, cravings can't start right after insemination?

Ultrasound and more waiting

This morning, I had my ultrasound and it turns out that I have 2 dominant follicles, one on each side. I guess the number is normal, even though some doctors hope that you have at least 3 dominant follicles if you take fertility meds. I think my dose was just too low to yield more follicles and since there is one on each side, I think it is okay. Well, I hope it is and I try not too worry about it too much.

I also think I saw a third one on one side, but I am not sure. How is anybody supposed to tell what all the blobs on the screen really mean anyway. The technician did not even measure the third blob because it was smaller than the other two follicles.

The follicles the technician measured were not big enough yet. That did not really surprise me because I usually don`t ovulate as early as they had me come in. Normally, I need about 3 or 4 more days and that is exactly what the nurse told me afterwards. She said to monitor my ovulation and call in once I am ovulating. So, that`s what I will do. More waiting and monitoring...

On a very positive note: My uterine lining was excellent. It was quite thick and I think if the swimmers are successful the egg will have a nice and warm uterus waiting for it to snuggle in. Do you hear that egg?

After my doctor`s visit, I drove home and bought a blender. I know it sounds weird when I write it like this but I always wanted to make spinach smoothies. I heard it is good for the baby and also for losing weight. So, this afternoon, I made my very first spinach smoothie and it was scrumptious! Maybe the extra spinach boost will help the follicles mature and grow stronger and healthier!

Ultrasound Appointment

Tomorrow, I have an ultrasound appointment. I am nervous, because I am not ovulating, yet. I did not have a positive OPK result, yet, and my body does not show any signs of ovulation whatsoever. The nurse scheduled the appointment at least 3 days before I usually ovulate. Far too early in my opinion. But she said that the meds might make me ovulate earlier and that I had to monitor my ovulation really closely.

Which I did.
Like crazy.
Every. 4. Hours.

I called in this afternoon to see if I still need to come in tomorrow. I do not want to drive over an hour and pay a lot of money for an ultrasound, just so that they tell me that I am not ovulating, yet.
I`m nervous and I worry because I do not know what to expect.

One of the things that annoys me most with the nurses is that they expect me to follow instructions without questioning anything. I pay a lot of money for this and I think I should have a right to know why they want me to do certain procedures. But whenever I ask something, they act as if I am noncompliant. I wish they were more upfront with me about things and would tell me why they want me to do certain things and why I have to pay for certain procedures.

I hope everything will work out okay tomorrow.

Clomid Crazies and Second Thoughts

No, I don't think, I really got the clomid crazies that so many moms-to-be complain about online.

Maybe I was lucky because I decided to take the meds at night. If there were any side effects they might have happened while I was asleep. I felt a little bit bloated the first 3 times, I took it, but the last two times, I did not feel anything at all.

I think, I got a little emotional, though. I could have hugged the whole world. I loved everyone! I was a little bit worried that I would start to get annoyed by other people and be rude, because that sometimes happens when I have PMS, but the fertility meds did the exact opposite. People who annoyed me even when I don`t have PMS, did not bother me at all. I just wanted to hug everyone.

But now that I am done with taking them, I am not quite sure how I feel... I am having second thoughts about the timing. Is this really the month I should start? If this works, the baby would be due in the middle of the semester - was that a bad idea? I will fly to Europe in a few weeks - what if something goes wrong while I am abroad? Is flying a good idea? So many questions, so many things to worry about...

Despite all these worries, I made the decision to try for a reason. I will do this. And I am excited about it! Let`s see what happens over the next days.

In a warm summer night in June...

... I started taking fertility meds.

And so it goes...

Day 3 Testing and a Clueless Pharmacist

So, this cycle, I got my hormone tests done. Everything looks perfectly normal. I am a fertile woman alright.
In the early morning hours, I drove over an hour to my doctor`s office and after 2 minutes, I was already done. I could have done the same testing at a local lab in my town, but oh well. I don`t want to complain. I am so so so glad that the results are normal and that I do not have to spend additional money on hormone therapy which may or may not work.

Every test and exam Dr. Storck had me do over the past months came back normal.  I still don`t know why I have some strange cycles once in a while, but maybe it is just stress related.

In any case, I decided to use a fertility drug: Clomid. If there is something wrong with my reproductive system that Dr. Storck has just not detected yet, I hope the meds will help. Even without fertility problems or hormone imbalances, the fertility meds will help to raise my chances for conception. I am usually not big into taking medication, but in this case, I want to give every try my very best.

The nurse asked me for the number of a pharmacy to call in the prescription. Since I never use medication, I do not have a pharmacy that I usually go to, so I picked the first one that came to mind because I pass it almost every day.

Yup, that was a mistake!

When I came in, the pharmacist had no clue about anything. He had completely misspelled my name and the doctor`s name. When I corrected him, he said, the person who called in probably did not know the spelling of the doctor`s name either.

Yeah, right. The nurse does not know which doctor she works for.

I should have left right then and there, but this is about my baby and I am ready to take a lot of bullshit if it will potentially help me.

So, this guy fills out my customer profile and when he finally gets to the part when his colleague is about to pack the medication for me, they suddenly realize that they have no clue which dose I am supposed to get. The guy had written down 15mg, but the lowest dose is 50mg. So, there was a lot of confusion and discussion between the pharmacists. When I was just about to leave and say, "Thanks, but I think I should talk to my doctor again," they decided to give me 50mg. So, I waited for them to pack everything.

When the pharmacist handed me the medication, which of course I had to pay for out of my own pocket, because they could not figure out how to run it through my insurance, the pharmacist asked me if I had any questions left. I made the mistake to ask how I am supposed to take the medication, because I had read online that you can reduce the side effects by taking it at night. I wanted to hear if that was true or if I had to take it in the morning, if I should take it with a meal or before, etc. Long story short: Of course, he had no clue how I had to take this medication. He told me to talk to my doctor because the package just said to take a pill once a day. Why does he ask me if I have any questions if he cannot answer them anyway?  I am never going back to this pharmacy.

But the most important part is: I got the right meds, everything is fine and I am ready to move forward. So, let`s do this!

Socks!

On one of the SMC online boards, the ladies posted pictures of the "lucky socks" they wore during their IUIs or IVF procedures. They called them insemisocks, which is short for insemination socks.
So, of course, I had to go online and search for some socks that I would like to wear during my IUI. This was a nice distraction during the waiting time and it kept my mind from worrying too much about all the things that might go wrong.

Since I am the worst person ever when it comes to making decisions, I asked a few friends for help. Cameron insisted on these socks for my IUI procedure because they feature little swimmers:

I thought they were cute, too, but also a little ridiculous. Not sure if I will wear them for the actual procedure.

My favorite pair was this one:

I liked the letters and hearts and I thought I might wear them once I go in for delivery which also goes with the theme of the socks.  (Yes, I know that is a long way down the line, but I really needed some distraction and some positive thoughts.)

My dentist knows - kinda...

I have had a slight tooth ache for the past weeks and decided I wanted to go to the dentist before it got worse. Plus, I wanted to get my x-rays and dental treatment out of the way before I`ll get pregnant.

Since I moved last summer, I needed a new dentist and during my first consultation, I told her that I was trying to get pregnant and that I wanted this to be taken care of as soon as possible. I wanted to be honest with her, because I wanted her to act quickly and not let me wait for an appointment for weeks. But also, I did not want to lie.

On the new patient form, I had marked that I was single. I did not wear a ring on my left or right ring finger. During the consultation, she never bothered to comment on me being single and trying to get pregnant. She explained to me that she would get the x-rays done today, but that I could have treatment even during my pregnancy as long as it is not during the final weeks when it gets hard to lie on your back.

However, when I finally got into the chair so that she could check my teeth, the assistant immediately asked me if I had met my husband here, where I live right now. I said: "No."
Then the dentist shot the next question and asked, if my husband was from Europe like I am. I said: "No."
Before I even had the time to explain,  she asked if my husband had the same job as I did. And I said: "No."
And I finally said: "I am not married."

The dentist let out a loud and long "Ohhhh." that sounded more like sigh than a critique. But I did not offer a more detailed explanation.

I am not sure what she thought. She might have thought that I lied to her, or that I was trying to get pregnant with a boyfriend or whatever. It was a weird situation.

I am still trying to figure out what to tell the people around me, when I finally get pregnant. It is a little bit like being gay and coming out of the closet I guess. Maybe this was a little bit like a test run. I usually have no problem sharing my life with others. I am always very open and never shy to even admit my flaws (something that might not be a good strategy in life but I can`t help it).

But this is not a flaw.

I am actually very proud to try to become an SMC. It is one of the most courageous things I have tried in my life - even more so than moving from one continent to another where I had no friends or family and did not speak the language all that well.

I am not ashamed about trying to become an SMC but I know others might not see it that way. My friends were very supportive but not everybody is. Do other people even have to know about this? Even though, it is not a secret, it is also not exactly their business. So, I think, eventually, I will have to come up with a plan who, when and how I will tell people... but not today.

I bought it!

I bought my first donor vial today!

When it comes to decisions, I am the worst. I just cannot seem to commit to anything. I am usually the last person that orders at a restaurant. I do not have a favorite food, color, song, movie, anything. I like different things when I am in different moods. When you try to pick the biological father of your future child, that is a bad thing.

Every morning on my way to work, and ever noon when I go on lunch break, and every evening when I go home, I have to walk along a small path in between buildings. Now that it is almost summer, everything along that path is in bloom and the sun, while shining through the trees, paints patterns on that little path. Every day when I walked that peaceful path in the last weeks, it was like a mini-meditation for me. I always meditated about my donor choices. I changed my mind so often that every day, I had a different donor that I thought would be my favorite. Every time day, I thought: "That's it! I found him!" But then, the next day, I changed my mind again. At some point, I came to realize I had to make my peace with one of these donors and come to a decision. For someone who seems to be incapable of making everyday decisions, making an important decision like this one is pure torture.

Last night, when I checked the donor profiles online, I saw that one of my top donor choices was running out of vials. And I panicked a little. I really liked that donor. He had flaws, but all donors seem to have them. I still really liked him. So, I decided to sleep over this for one more night to see if I would really mind if he sold out and I could not use him for my IUI.
It turned out that yes, I would mind. I really liked that guy. So, today, I called the bank and asked if he had any vials left. He had only 3 left. I quickly decided I would buy one of them. Granted the shipping costs would usually mandate me to buy more than just one vial, but for my first try, I just wanted to buy one vial. So far, he has no reported pregnancies but he is also a very new donor. In case it turns out that he has low quality, I want to keep the option open to choose a different donor for the next time. Besides, if this does not work, I will probably wait a few months before giving this my second try and by then, there might be new donors. 

I feel happy and relieved. Later tonight, that donor ran out of vials. There will be more from him in a few weeks, but I am glad, I still got one for my first IUI. I guess the first one is always special.

Let the show begin!

The Quest for the right Donor - Personality Traits

After I had limited my selection of donors because of their medical history and open ID status, I tried to find out more about my donors' personality traits. The sperm bank I chose provided a free donor essay (actually just a handful of questions that the donors answered in a couple of sentences) and I bought a subscription that gave me access to an audio-interview and some additional information about the donors.

Why this mattered to me:
I wanted to get at least a little glimpse into who they were and who the biological father of my child would be. Sometimes, I am a very logical and rational person, e.g. I looked at the medical history of the donors and eliminated people just because of that. But I am also a very emotional person and somehow it is important to me that I "like" the donor. Or at least that I do not find him annoying.
I also would have loved to be able to tell my child later that I picked their donor because I really liked what he was passionate about or what he said about a certain topic. But after looking at donor after donor, I am not sure if this is really going to happen. With every new document or file I opened, my perception of that person changed and I never got the impression that I really knew what they were like. There is no way I am going to find the right guy just based on his personality.


Is personality inherited? - The old question of nature vs. nurture.
When I talked about this with an old friend of mine, he said that he would not care about this aspect at all. He does not believe that personality is inherited. My friend the Power Latina said the exact same. They both believe that it is mostly the upbringing that shapes a child's personality. But I am not so sure about that.
My dad is a twin. He and his brother are different like day and night, even though they grew up in the same household and their parents treated them exactly the same. If personality is acquired or learned, how come one of them turned out more confident than the other? I personally believe that it is a mixture of nature and nurture: The basis for a personality trait may be inherited but if this trait really comes out in the child might be triggered or suppressed by how the child is raised. Believing this leads me to my next question:

Do I pick someone who matches or compliments my personality?
If personality traits are inherited to some extend, should I pick a donor that matches my personality or someone whose personality is the opposite to my weaker traits so that we balance each other out? I thought a lot about this. I tried to pick someone who has some personality traits that I do not have but would like to have. And I also picked one that matches my personality in other areas. I tried to pick someone that I knew I would be able to get along with and then, I hoped for the best...

Donor interviews and what they really taught me
I just spent the last weekend checking out donor essays and audio-interviews with my friend the Power Latina and we think we "cracked the code" to donor personality. Of course, this is not scientific and it probably also does not always hold true, but these are our little theories that we came up with:

(a) The interviewer often says more about the donor than the donor himself
A lot of the donors that we listened to were interviewed by the same woman, but the way she talked to some donors was quite different than how she talked to other donors. She actually seemed to be flirting with some of them, while she seemed to be completely down to business with others. We think that the ones she was flirting with might be more attractive than the others. If the interviewer started giggling during the interview - bingo! we have winner!

(b) If the donor is trying too hard to sell himself, there might be nothing worth buying
This is something that the Power Latina and I learned from years of online dating. If a guy tries really really hard to sell himself, he might really need to sell himself because otherwise people would not be interested in him. If someone is good-looking, an interesting person, or just confident, they usually do not try to sell themselves. Short and brief answers will suffice to make others become interested in them.

(c) The good, the bad, and the totally pointless
Most interviews seem to consist of three kinds of questions: the good, the bad, and the totally pointless. Let's start with the good ones: The good questions are the ones that really tell you a lot about the donor, e.g. If you could spend a day with any person dead or alive, who would you like to spend the day with? If the donor answers with a contemporary slapstick comedian that probably nobody will know in 5 years ... not the kind of donor I am looking for. If the donor answers this question with the name of a good author or artists and gives an intelligent answer why he would like to meet that person-it would definitely be a plus. 
Bad questions are questions that almost every donor will answer the same or almost the same way. For example: I have read that you are (not) religious. Can you tell me a little bit about your moral values? Every donor will answer: "I think we should treat others like we want to be treated ourselves" - or some variation of this answer. If everybody answers the question the same way, the answer does not really tell me anything about the donor. So, it is a bad question.
Pointless questions are those that the donor has already answered multiple times in other parts of his profile. So, for example, if the donor has already written in his profile what he studies, answered one of the essay questions by going into his studies and then gets asked the same question again during the interview, it is kind of pointless.

The bottom line
After looking at a lot of profiles, listening to audio-interviews and reading essay answers, I decided that these are some things that I am looking for in the personality of a donor:
- Does the donor seem at least a little bit intelligent? (Do his answers demonstrate insight? Can he give answers that pertain to the question without going off on other topics? Does his answer demonstrate cohesion and coherence?)
- Is the donor confident without being arrogant?
- How does the donor talk about his family?
- Does the donor have a goal in his life? Does he have a passion? (To me, it does not matter that much, what the passion or goal is, but it is important that the donor has one.)
- Does the donor contradict himself? (Does he walk the walk or just talk the talk? If the donor claims to be shy, does he really appear shy in the audio-interview?)
However, the bottom line really is that no matter what the donors wrote in the essays or said during the interviews. This is only a one-time glimpse into who they are. It is not a complete picture of the donor and should not be treated as such. Maybe a week or a month later, the donor would have given completely different answers to the questions.

I had hoped to get some idea about the donor and with some donors that worked out with others not so much. When it comes down to it, donor personality is only one of many factors that played a role for me. It always was important but never the most important thing about the donors.

The Quest for the right Donor - Open Identity?

One of the factors that played into choosing the right donor for my future child was the open identity factor. When donating sperm, donors can decide if they are willing to get contacted by their children once the children turn 18 or if they would rather not get in contact with their offspring. If they agree to that contact, they are called open identity donors. Their sperm usually costs a little more than the sperm from donors who are not open identity donors.

For the donors it is a tough decision because most of them are not much older than 18 themselves and a lot can change for them over the years. They might get married and have a family of their own. I also doubt that they can foresee how many children they might get contacted by in 18 years. Depending on how many kids they fathered, there might 40 or more "kids" later. That can be quite overwhelming.

So, this was a really tough decision for me, too. I have been going back and forth. At first I thought, that I wanted an open donor. I wanted to give my future child the opportunity to meet their biological father when he or she turns 18. I read about some people online, who were conceived via donor sperm and never got a chance to find out who their donor was. I think, a lot of these people really struggle with the fact that they were never even given the chance or a choice. It breaks my heart thinking that my future child might have to go through something like that, too. It does not have to be that way, but I thought it might be fair for my child to give him or her the chance to find out about his or her biological father.

However, this possibility of contact is only like a door that is kept ajar. There is no guarantee that anybody will ever step through this door. My child might not even be interested in the donor or the donor might be dead by the time my child turns 18. There is also no guarantee that my child will get a lot of answers, a long response or a lot of information from or about the donor. A lot of things can happen in 18+ years, so, who knows what this contact will look like.

It is also important to look at how banks will try to establish the contact with the donor. I read in some online forums that some banks will not tell the donors "Hey, there is a kid who would like to meet you." They contact the donors every x number of years and ask them to update their medical profiles etc. If the donor changed his phone number and/or address he might not even get this request for an update. If the donor reacts and updates his profile, the bank might (or might not) tell him that there is a child that wants to contact him. If he does not react to this request to update the profile, he might never find out that someone would like to get in contact with him. At that point, establishing contact with the donor is a courtesy service of the sperm bank. They will not make more money whether the contact is established or not. There is nothing left for them to gain out of this. So, they may or may not put real effort into this. As far as I know, donors will also not get more money for updating their profiles, so there is no more gain for them in that either - except for helping their offspring, of course... 

There are also some sperm banks out there that promise to try to establish contact with the donor before the child turns 18. There are some mothers and children that feel the need to get in contact with the donor while the children are still little. They might need information for medical reasons or the children just want to know who their biological father is. However, from what I read in different online forums, you cannot really trust that promise some sperm banks give you. They will not give out information of the donor, unless the child`s life is at risk and/or the risk is due to some genetic issue. Often this genetic connection is hard to prove, especially without any information about or additional testing of the donor.

When I found that I had a hard time finding an open donor that also matched my other criteria (such as Rh factor and CMV status) as well, I moved away from choosing an open donor. It is extra money, there is no guarantee if and what kind of contact there will be in the future and I might have to compromise on other important criteria. The question is if having an Open ID donor would be worth the compromises and effort.
 
In addition, some sperm banks give you a lot of information about the donors anyway. For example, one bank gives you the full birth date and adult pictures. 15 years ago, nobody would have thought how easy it would be to find old classmates via the internet. Who knows? In 18+ years, you might be able to find out who this person is just based on his birth date, some adult pictures, and a college major.  It is hard to tell what will happen in the future, but I see that as a possibility. Then again, the question remains if it is a good idea to hunt someone down who never wanted any contact with your child in the first place. If the donor wants to be found in 18 years, he will be found. He can register with the donor sibling website or several yahoo groups no matter if he is an open donor now or not.

So, I came to the conclusion that taken inconsideration all the factors that are not guaranteed, all the things that can go wrong, and all the compromises I would have to make, choosing an open donor might not be one of the highest criteria on my list. It might be unfair to ask a 20 year old donor, who has no idea where his life may take him, to make a life decision like this. But taking away my child`s chance to meet his or her father in the future, is also quite unfair. So, I have been going back and forth trying to make the right decision.

I am currently leaning towards an open donor after I found another reason on the donor sibling registry website. There is a section in which the reviews of sperm banks  from different online discussion groups are compiled. Parents report about their positive and negative experiences with sperm banks. There is one case where some parents suspected that the sperm bank they had used, was falsifying information in the donor profile. These parents had found each other (and maybe even the donor- I cannot recall) on the DSR website. They suspected that the sperm bank thought it could get away with tempering with the donor information, because the donor was not an open donor and the parents, children and the donor would never meet. I don't know in how far this is true or what exactly went on there, but I think this might be a point to keep in mind. With an open donor, a sperm bank has more reason to be really honest and might be less tempted to change or hide some information, because it will come out sooner or later.

So, in summary, this is a really tough decision. Right now, I have a donor I really like and he is an open donor. However, if he should not be available anymore when I try to conceive, I don`t know if I will be able to find another donor that is an open donor and matches my other criteria. And I don`t know if I want to compromise any of the other criteria for this one. If anybody who is reading this has made a decision regarding this issue, I would really welcome any comments in the comment section below.

The Quest for the right Donor - Medical History

"If this was real-life dating, the good ones would all be gay AND have cancer."

... The Power Latina and I are discussing donor profiles. My whole dinner table is full of print outs, tables, notes and markers. We go over profile after profile, but all the medical histories list at least one kind of cancer, Alzheimers or Parkinsons. Based on the medical profiles alone, it seems to be impossible to find just the right guy that could potentially become my child's donor.

My ideas of picking someone with a certain eye and hair color combination, with dimples or a certain height, have long been buried under piles of paper and reports about allergies, genetic testing and all kinds of causes of death. Even if I wanted to, I would probably never find what I was originally looking for. At this point, all I can see are brain tumors and breast cancer.

I let my head slowly sink until my forehead hits the table. I close my eyes and think that I am about to grow my very own brain tumor instead of a baby if I keep on reading through more medical profiles.

*******

When I first started looking for the right donor, I was amazed by how many people have all kinds of cancer running in their families. The more I read about it, the more blessed I felt that there does not seem to be any cancer running in my immediate family.

Before I dove too deep into the medical histories of potential donors, I made sure the donor had a negative blood type and CMV status just like me. I did not want to risk anything in these areas and I discussed it in this post. This only left me with about 15-20 profiles from the sperm bank I had selected. Then I went for the remaining medical information. I soon discovered that everybody seems to have something running in their family and that the donors who had a completely clean medical history even seemed a little suspicious to me. Do these 18 year old college kids even know what kind of medical problems their grandparents had, when they were younger?


I immediately eliminated some donors because of Alzheimers, Parkinsons and the sheer number of different kinds of cancer and other medical problems they had listed. I also eliminated some donors because of things they had listed that might have been completely fine with anybody else, but that really bothered me due to my own family's medical history. I really did not like the process but sometimes it came down to judging which medical problems seemed to be more serious than others. I even looked up some studies to find out how high the chances were that my child might inherit a certain condition or medical problem.

I know not everybody is giving this that much thought. A friend of mine, who is going through the same process, does not bother that much about the medical history of the donor. She decided that if she had a boyfriend or husband, she also could not pick the medical history. But for me, these are two completely different kinds of shoes. If I have the luxury of hand-picking a donor, then I will take these things into consideration.

In the end, it came down to only a handful of donors. So, then I started to look at some other criteria which I will discuss in some upcoming posts.