We are driving down the road. A friend of mine who came for a short visit, sits next to me and I am showing him around town in my car. It is too cold to walk outside, so we decided to do a sightseeing tour by car. I show him downtown, the river walk, the museum, where I work and then I even venture into parts of town that - even after a year and a half - I am not quite familiar with, yet. As we drive towards an intersection I turn to him:
I am sorry, I don't know where to go now. I think we are lost, I need to get out my GPS.
He looks at me puzzled:
What are you talking about? We just passed this intersection 10 min. ago. You have to turn left here.
How come some people always know exactly where they are, even when they visit a new place for the first time and I don't?
I just don't.
I always get lost. Even if I have a map, driving directions and have taken that route before, I will get lost.
The only thing that stopped me from ending up somewhere in Mexico, when I moved from the Deep South back up to the Midwest, was my GPS. I did not know it, when I bought it on Black Friday five years ago, but it turned out to be one of the best investments I have made in my life. I am totally convinced that without it, I would have never gotten anywhere in the last years.
So, I wish there was a GPS for this journey to motherhood. Unfortunately, they don't sell these things during Black Friday sales. How awesome would it be, though, to have some warm voice tell you which turn to take next, when you are lost? Which treatment to choose, which donor to pick, which doctor to trust? Or to have a friend next to you who tells you which way is the right one.
My blog is called "The Road Less Traveled" and this is definitely true. A lot of people do not even know that this road exists and nobody, who decides to take it, really knows where it will lead. Once you are on it, it gets harder and harder to move forward, but it is impossible to go back. You lose a lot of money along the way and maybe some friends, too. You will constantly teeter between the gaping abysses and the soaring highs of emotions. Sometimes you wish you'd know what lies ahead, but most times it is good to not know what awaits you after the next turn. Taking one step at a time is all you can do, keeping your eyes open for anything that looks like it might take you to your goal.
And that is what I will do.
Showing posts with label Musings about Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Musings about Life. Show all posts
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
I am strong!
I managed to move from one continent to another with nothing but two suitcases. I settled in a foreign culture. I lived in the northern midwest for many years without a car and carried groceries through - 25°C on a weekly basis. Once I finally had a car, I drove 74 miles through a freaking blizzard and survived despite the fact that even I did not believe I would make it out there alive. Another time, I spent two hours taking shelter in a warehouse with 3 other women, while a tornado came right at us - and we survived. Once I had gathered somewhat of a household, I moved my whole stuff to a new state by driving a huge 8 wheeler all by myself, because the moving van bailed on me on the morning of the move! A year later, I moved again. This time through 7 states all by myself with all my stuff in tow. I bought a new car all by myself even though I don't have the slightest clue about cars and generally differentiate them just by color.
I finished a dissertation in a language that is not even my mother tongue, writing it at night, after I worked for 10 hours in a job that was actually two jobs. 280 pages! I gave talks in rooms full of experts in the field- people who had studied the subject for years, sometimes decades and they took time out of their days to listen to me. I found a new job at the time where there literally no new jobs in my field advertised, but I found it anyway, and they even picked me, and it turned out to even be a really good job.
So, when I told some of my friends I was going to become a mom on my own, they did not even blink. I am strong. I will get pregnant. This year!
I finished a dissertation in a language that is not even my mother tongue, writing it at night, after I worked for 10 hours in a job that was actually two jobs. 280 pages! I gave talks in rooms full of experts in the field- people who had studied the subject for years, sometimes decades and they took time out of their days to listen to me. I found a new job at the time where there literally no new jobs in my field advertised, but I found it anyway, and they even picked me, and it turned out to even be a really good job.
So, when I told some of my friends I was going to become a mom on my own, they did not even blink. I am strong. I will get pregnant. This year!
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Christmas Blessings
While I am waiting for things to come - good or bad - I had to do something to keep me from going crazy. So, I decided that even if I cannot have my own child and spoil it this Christmas, I should at least spoil someone else's child, preferably one that does not often get spoiled.
I learned about Operation Christmas Child a few years ago and sent out a package back then. I'm not sure if I really believe in missionary work and it seems quite sneaky to try to missionize little kids by bribing them with gifts, but on the other hand, I really believe that every child deserves to be loved and spoiled once in a while. So, this year, I decided to pack a shoebox again.
Some people try to pack as many shoeboxes as possible, because they want to bless as many kids as possible. But for me, it was not about that. I wanted to bless one child, and I wanted to bless that child good. Not with cheap happy meal toys and dollar store gifts, but with real gifts that I would carefully choose and put together.
Operation Christmas Child let's you select the gender and age range of the child you pack a shoebox for. I decided that I would start out with going to the local toy store and looking for a toy that speaks to me and then build the rest of the box around that. I spent a lot of time in the Lego section of the store but I could not really find the right gift. Did you know that most Lego sets and figures have some sort of weapons in them? When I found a teddy bear in a pink tutu, I knew this shoe box was going to be for a little girl...
Besides the bear, I bought a lot of other girly stuff which is kinda strange, because I myself have never been a girly girl. Besides my baby doll, I never played with typical girl toys as a child. Nevertheless, I filled the box with all kinds of girly stuff: princess stickers, a princess note pad and a coloring book, colored pencils, a little beading set, a princess toothbrush and soap (they ask for personal hygiene products), cute pink socks, a pink jumping rope, glow in the dark stars, balloons, and some candy. In the end, the box was so full that the teddy bear had to get into some serious yoga pose so that I would be able to close the lid. You are not supposed to tape the box, because they still inspect the boxes before they send them out. Oh dear, I really hope they get it all back in if they decide to take it apart. Haha.
Even if I won`t be blessed with a child growing in my belly this Christmas, I at least tried to bless a child that is somewhere out there.
I learned about Operation Christmas Child a few years ago and sent out a package back then. I'm not sure if I really believe in missionary work and it seems quite sneaky to try to missionize little kids by bribing them with gifts, but on the other hand, I really believe that every child deserves to be loved and spoiled once in a while. So, this year, I decided to pack a shoebox again.
Some people try to pack as many shoeboxes as possible, because they want to bless as many kids as possible. But for me, it was not about that. I wanted to bless one child, and I wanted to bless that child good. Not with cheap happy meal toys and dollar store gifts, but with real gifts that I would carefully choose and put together.
Operation Christmas Child let's you select the gender and age range of the child you pack a shoebox for. I decided that I would start out with going to the local toy store and looking for a toy that speaks to me and then build the rest of the box around that. I spent a lot of time in the Lego section of the store but I could not really find the right gift. Did you know that most Lego sets and figures have some sort of weapons in them? When I found a teddy bear in a pink tutu, I knew this shoe box was going to be for a little girl...
Besides the bear, I bought a lot of other girly stuff which is kinda strange, because I myself have never been a girly girl. Besides my baby doll, I never played with typical girl toys as a child. Nevertheless, I filled the box with all kinds of girly stuff: princess stickers, a princess note pad and a coloring book, colored pencils, a little beading set, a princess toothbrush and soap (they ask for personal hygiene products), cute pink socks, a pink jumping rope, glow in the dark stars, balloons, and some candy. In the end, the box was so full that the teddy bear had to get into some serious yoga pose so that I would be able to close the lid. You are not supposed to tape the box, because they still inspect the boxes before they send them out. Oh dear, I really hope they get it all back in if they decide to take it apart. Haha.
Even if I won`t be blessed with a child growing in my belly this Christmas, I at least tried to bless a child that is somewhere out there.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Sad news
Unfortunately, my last IUI did not end up in a pregnancy. I took a test on Friday and was really sad when I saw the result. Everything was just perfect this cycle. The sperm seemed good, the timing was ideal and yet, it was not meant to be.
I spent the weekend moping at home and playing phone tag with my RE's office. When I told them it did not work out, a nurse called me back and left a message on my voicemail. She said the doctor had some recommendations for me and I should call back Sunday morning for them to go over these recommendations with me.
Okay, I admit, it was a little strange. Which doctor or nurse asks you to call back on a Sunday morning unless something bad is about to happen that urgently has to be taken care of? Nevertheless, I was happy that the doctor actually seemed to have a plan.
However, when I called back, there was a different nurse on call that had no clue about any recommendations and told me I should schedule a consultation with my doctor. None of the consultations I ever had with the doctor really led to any treatment plans.
It is moments like these, when I really miss not having more friends or family living close by. It is amazing how quickly you can go from hoping that there is another person growing inside your belly to feeling like the loneliest person in the world.
Good old Johann Wolfgang von Goethe put it in words better than I ever could:
Joyful
and sorrowful,
being full of thoughts,
longing
and trembling
in pending pain,
skyhigh rejoicing
saddened to death,
happy alone
is the soul that loves.
(This is my translation of Clärchen´s Lied by Goethe, but there are other translations out there.) Maybe "happy" is the wrong translation in the second to last line. Maybe it should rather read "fortunate"- fortunate to have the chance to feel all these emotions. How dull and boring would my life be if I never had hope and never loved?
Sure the "saddened to death" part is no fun to go through, but it is only one part of the whole concept of love.
In my last post, I wrote about the rainbow I saw after my IUI and how much hope it gave me. However, it was really hard to spot. I was only able to see its reflection in the clouds. Once they moved away, the rainbow disappeared as well.
I never felt more like a cloud of sadness is hanging over me as I feel it right now. I could write something about how it reflects my hope and how my love will shine through once the cloud of sadness moves away, but to be honest, I am just too sad to write anything else beyond this point...
I spent the weekend moping at home and playing phone tag with my RE's office. When I told them it did not work out, a nurse called me back and left a message on my voicemail. She said the doctor had some recommendations for me and I should call back Sunday morning for them to go over these recommendations with me.
Okay, I admit, it was a little strange. Which doctor or nurse asks you to call back on a Sunday morning unless something bad is about to happen that urgently has to be taken care of? Nevertheless, I was happy that the doctor actually seemed to have a plan.
However, when I called back, there was a different nurse on call that had no clue about any recommendations and told me I should schedule a consultation with my doctor. None of the consultations I ever had with the doctor really led to any treatment plans.
It is moments like these, when I really miss not having more friends or family living close by. It is amazing how quickly you can go from hoping that there is another person growing inside your belly to feeling like the loneliest person in the world.
Good old Johann Wolfgang von Goethe put it in words better than I ever could:
Joyful
and sorrowful,
being full of thoughts,
longing
and trembling
in pending pain,
skyhigh rejoicing
saddened to death,
happy alone
is the soul that loves.
(This is my translation of Clärchen´s Lied by Goethe, but there are other translations out there.) Maybe "happy" is the wrong translation in the second to last line. Maybe it should rather read "fortunate"- fortunate to have the chance to feel all these emotions. How dull and boring would my life be if I never had hope and never loved?
Sure the "saddened to death" part is no fun to go through, but it is only one part of the whole concept of love.
In my last post, I wrote about the rainbow I saw after my IUI and how much hope it gave me. However, it was really hard to spot. I was only able to see its reflection in the clouds. Once they moved away, the rainbow disappeared as well.
I never felt more like a cloud of sadness is hanging over me as I feel it right now. I could write something about how it reflects my hope and how my love will shine through once the cloud of sadness moves away, but to be honest, I am just too sad to write anything else beyond this point...
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Being treated like a criminal
A few weeks ago, I read an article about a nurse who was asked to help care for a man, who had committed several horrible crimes and killed multiple people. She could have declined the job, but she accepted it. The article was about how she dealt with the situation - on the one hand feeling committed to her job and trying to be professional. On the other hand feeling disgusted by his crimes (and maybe even hating him for what he did). In the article she described what her daily work routine looked like. She felt obliged to give this man what was absolutely necessary but made a point of not giving him the tiniest bit more than that. Her little form of protest was not to call him "honey" or "sweety" when she interacted with him.
This past week, I had my second IUI. Since my first IUI, I felt quite frustrated with Dr. Stork and my nurse. They always do their job, but never anything beyond the bare minimum. When I paid for a test or an ultrasound, I would get the test or the ultrasound. But nothing beyond that. For example, I asked the nurse about the results of a test and she gave me the numbers, but nothing else. When I asked her what these numbers really meant for me and my further treatment or what she thought I should do next, she told me that it was up to me. Everything was always just up to me. It was so frustrating.
I cannot make these decisions, since I do not have a medical degree. All I know about the subject is from the books I read and some strangers on the internet who answer questions in an online forum. I go to the doctor to get advice but all they do is force me to take more and more tests without explanation.
When I got my second IUI, I was almost out of the door already when I remembered to ask about my progesterone and if I should continue taking progesterone. The nurse had already disappeared so the receptionist called her back and she told me that I should in fact continue taking progesterone. What bothered me so much is that she would not have told me if I had not asked about it. So, now I am wondering what else she is not telling me just because I do not know that I have to ask about it.
Yesterday, I finally realized that my nurse could be the nurse from that article. She is doing her job and giving me the minimum treatment or information necessary, but nothing beyond that. I have a feeling that she is not agreeing with my choice to become a single mother and that this might be the reason why she is not giving me any advice. She is doing her job, but she is highly indifferent towards me becoming pregnant which is pretty much my life at the moment.
I think I have to let this nurse and doctor go.
This is not easy for me, since she came recommended from other SMCs and I trusted their judgment. But by now, one of the SMCs who had recommended her to me has moved on to a different doctor, too. I am disappointed and quite hurt. I am just trying to have a baby, I am not a criminal who killed other people.
On Monday, Dr. Stork is supposed to call me back and we will see how that will turn out... I already made a new appointment with a different doctor, but that doctor cannot see me until the end of October and is probably going to have me redo all the tests. So, more costs for me even though I did nothing wrong. Life is so unfair right now.
This past week, I had my second IUI. Since my first IUI, I felt quite frustrated with Dr. Stork and my nurse. They always do their job, but never anything beyond the bare minimum. When I paid for a test or an ultrasound, I would get the test or the ultrasound. But nothing beyond that. For example, I asked the nurse about the results of a test and she gave me the numbers, but nothing else. When I asked her what these numbers really meant for me and my further treatment or what she thought I should do next, she told me that it was up to me. Everything was always just up to me. It was so frustrating.
I cannot make these decisions, since I do not have a medical degree. All I know about the subject is from the books I read and some strangers on the internet who answer questions in an online forum. I go to the doctor to get advice but all they do is force me to take more and more tests without explanation.
When I got my second IUI, I was almost out of the door already when I remembered to ask about my progesterone and if I should continue taking progesterone. The nurse had already disappeared so the receptionist called her back and she told me that I should in fact continue taking progesterone. What bothered me so much is that she would not have told me if I had not asked about it. So, now I am wondering what else she is not telling me just because I do not know that I have to ask about it.
Yesterday, I finally realized that my nurse could be the nurse from that article. She is doing her job and giving me the minimum treatment or information necessary, but nothing beyond that. I have a feeling that she is not agreeing with my choice to become a single mother and that this might be the reason why she is not giving me any advice. She is doing her job, but she is highly indifferent towards me becoming pregnant which is pretty much my life at the moment.
I think I have to let this nurse and doctor go.
This is not easy for me, since she came recommended from other SMCs and I trusted their judgment. But by now, one of the SMCs who had recommended her to me has moved on to a different doctor, too. I am disappointed and quite hurt. I am just trying to have a baby, I am not a criminal who killed other people.
On Monday, Dr. Stork is supposed to call me back and we will see how that will turn out... I already made a new appointment with a different doctor, but that doctor cannot see me until the end of October and is probably going to have me redo all the tests. So, more costs for me even though I did nothing wrong. Life is so unfair right now.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Disappearing support team
I just had my second IUI. More details about it later...
Has anybody ever noticed how people disappear over time. When I started this "journey to motherhood", I had friends rooting for me. I was told that I was brave and that they were happy for me. With every single hurdle or fallback, there are fewer and fewer times they ask about me or about this process. They disappear. It is easy to root for the winning team, but when times get harder, and you would need them the most, the cheering crowds disappear... Feeling a little lonely right now...
Has anybody ever noticed how people disappear over time. When I started this "journey to motherhood", I had friends rooting for me. I was told that I was brave and that they were happy for me. With every single hurdle or fallback, there are fewer and fewer times they ask about me or about this process. They disappear. It is easy to root for the winning team, but when times get harder, and you would need them the most, the cheering crowds disappear... Feeling a little lonely right now...
Thursday, April 25, 2013
How much is a (single) life worth?
My friend got mugged. She was on her way home from work and bought a pizza. As she was walking home three guys came up to her and tried to block her way and asked for the pizza. Even though she is single without kids, she said: "I am sorry, but I have to go home to feed my family." Her only family is her cat, but the guys did not know that and as soon as she mentioned her family, they stepped aside and let her go.
Can you believe this?
A choice mom friend of mine mentioned the other day, how much it irks her if she watches a crime series in which a person is held at gunpoint and then says: "Don`t kill me, I have kids." A statement like this implies that having kids adds value to life. Because the person has kids, he or she should be spared and let go.
I understand that argument, but shouldn`t people without kids have the same right to be spared?
The other summer, friends of mine told me that the husband's company is cutting positions and let a lot of people go. However, he added just immediately, that he is not worried about becoming unemployed because he had a family with kids. This statement bothered me beyond believe. If he is let go, he still has a perfectly healthy wife, who could return to work and make up for the loss of income. If a single person is let go, there is noone who can compensate the loss of income.
Just to be clear on this issue: This strange attitude in society is NOT the reason why I am trying to have children. But it bothers me how others treat me and others just because we do not have children. I mean, just because you do not have kids of your own, you still need a job just like anybody else. Plus, you can still play an important and valuable role in society and other people`s lives.
For example, I teach at the college level. Because of what students learned in my classes and because of the extra work, I invested in them outside of class helping with applications and interview preparations, many of them got really great jobs. A lot of them are in positions now, where they have a big influence on society. Maybe they would be in the same positions without me, but I am proud that I had a chance to help them along the way. So, even though, I do not have kids of my own yet (!), I think my life is worth just as much as a mother`s life.
Can you believe this?
A choice mom friend of mine mentioned the other day, how much it irks her if she watches a crime series in which a person is held at gunpoint and then says: "Don`t kill me, I have kids." A statement like this implies that having kids adds value to life. Because the person has kids, he or she should be spared and let go.
I understand that argument, but shouldn`t people without kids have the same right to be spared?
The other summer, friends of mine told me that the husband's company is cutting positions and let a lot of people go. However, he added just immediately, that he is not worried about becoming unemployed because he had a family with kids. This statement bothered me beyond believe. If he is let go, he still has a perfectly healthy wife, who could return to work and make up for the loss of income. If a single person is let go, there is noone who can compensate the loss of income.
Just to be clear on this issue: This strange attitude in society is NOT the reason why I am trying to have children. But it bothers me how others treat me and others just because we do not have children. I mean, just because you do not have kids of your own, you still need a job just like anybody else. Plus, you can still play an important and valuable role in society and other people`s lives.
For example, I teach at the college level. Because of what students learned in my classes and because of the extra work, I invested in them outside of class helping with applications and interview preparations, many of them got really great jobs. A lot of them are in positions now, where they have a big influence on society. Maybe they would be in the same positions without me, but I am proud that I had a chance to help them along the way. So, even though, I do not have kids of my own yet (!), I think my life is worth just as much as a mother`s life.
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