Unfortunately, my last IUI did not end up in a pregnancy. I took a test on Friday and was really sad when I saw the result. Everything was just perfect this cycle. The sperm seemed good, the timing was ideal and yet, it was not meant to be.
I spent the weekend moping at home and playing phone tag with my RE's office. When I told them it did not work out, a nurse called me back and left a message on my voicemail. She said the doctor had some recommendations for me and I should call back Sunday morning for them to go over these recommendations with me.
Okay, I admit, it was a little strange. Which doctor or nurse asks you to call back on a Sunday morning unless something bad is about to happen that urgently has to be taken care of? Nevertheless, I was happy that the doctor actually seemed to have a plan.
However, when I called back, there was a different nurse on call that had no clue about any recommendations and told me I should schedule a consultation with my doctor. None of the consultations I ever had with the doctor really led to any treatment plans.
It is moments like these, when I really miss not having more friends or family living close by. It is amazing how quickly you can go from hoping that there is another person growing inside your belly to feeling like the loneliest person in the world.
Good old Johann Wolfgang von Goethe put it in words better than I ever could:
Joyful
and sorrowful,
being full of thoughts,
longing
and trembling
in pending pain,
skyhigh rejoicing
saddened to death,
happy alone
is the soul that loves.
(This is my translation of Clärchen´s Lied by Goethe, but there are other translations out there.) Maybe "happy" is the wrong translation in the second to last line. Maybe it should rather read "fortunate"- fortunate to have the chance to feel all these emotions. How dull and boring would my life be if I never had hope and never loved?
Sure the "saddened to death" part is no fun to go through, but it is only one part of the whole concept of love.
In my last post, I wrote about the rainbow I saw after my IUI and how much hope it gave me. However, it was really hard to spot. I was only able to see its reflection in the clouds. Once they moved away, the rainbow disappeared as well.
I never felt more like a cloud of sadness is hanging over me as I feel it right now. I could write something about how it reflects my hope and how my love will shine through once the cloud of sadness moves away, but to be honest, I am just too sad to write anything else beyond this point...