Last weekend, I heard my biological clock ticking much louder than usually. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tiiiiick, tooooock.
I cannot wait to get started TTC!!! Ideally, I would like to get started in August, but if I cannot wait that long, maybe as soon as June. But even time until June is passing soooo slowly at the moment! This feels a little bit like waiting for Christmas when time seems to stand still.
So, last weekend, I needed something to pass time in order to not completely go crazy. I decided I needed a movie night and searched for a movie related to the whole baby adventure. Over the past years, there have been some films out in the theaters that focused on women who decided to become single mothers. But I did not really like any of them.
There is "Plan B" with Jennifer Lopez. Yeah right. As if a woman who millions of men admire like JLo would ever be forced to resort to a plan B when it comes to baby making. Of course, she gets pregnant on the first try, and of course, she ends up finding her Prince Charming right after that. A lot of movies are completely unrealistic but still good entertainment. Unfortunately, this movie is not entertaining.
Then there is "The Switch" with Jennifer Aniston. I saw it, when it came to the theaters and I remember liking it. Liking, not loving. It was funny, it was okay. I do not remember all of its content, just that there was sperm that might have been switched and that the kid showed the same ticks as the guy who supposedly switched the donor`s sperm with his own. Hmmm. Also very unrealistic.
So, I kept on searching for a movie to watch last weekend until I came across the BBC series "Call the Midwife". It is not exactly about SMCs. I still loved the series because it shows women in all stages of life and classes of society having babies. The show plays in England in the 1950s and centers around a group of young midwifes, their work, friendships, and life in general. It does not always end well in baby rosa or light blue, but it ends realistically. It does not try to make you believe that life always has a happy ending. It shows that everybody has struggles and even though it does not relieve me from my own, it still gives me more comfort than watching JLo having twins. I love this show.
If you are interested in the show, you have until Sunday to catch up with the first season. You can watch it online on PBS and the second season starts to air on PBS this Sunday.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood... and I, I chose the one less traveled by, marked with ovulation charts, donor vials, and lots of controversy. Little money in my pockets but my heart pregnant with hope, I travel this road alone... and that will make all the difference!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Learning by Heart
A few weeks ago, my friend P.L. suggested that I buy a onesie for the future baby and place it somewhere where I can see it every day. I could keep it as a motivator and a reminder of my ultimate goal to lose more weight and make it to my first IUI. People sometimes do it with their skinny jeans if they want to lose weight and I could do it with a onesie.
But I didn't. I think having a onesie without a baby, a babyless onesie around in my house would depress me without end. I have often bought baby clothes for friends and kept them in my house until a birthday or Christmas or Easter came around so that I could send them. It always made me sad. The view of a toddler's overalls without a toddler or a little dress without a little one to fill it with giggles and joy is unbelievably depressing. I started avoiding the baby clothing sections in the stores I regularly shop at.
But yesterday, I fell for a trap and bought something for the baby. It is not a pair of overalls, a little dress or a onesie. No, I found a book. It is called "Poems to Learn by Heart" by Caroline Kennedy. It has the most beautiful watercolor images and is filled with poems fit for almost every occasion. And these are not the typical children's poems and nursery rhymes, but works by Langston Hughes or William Carlos Williams, by Shakespeare or Silverstein. I love it!
Of course, I would love to dress the baby in cute outfits, but to be honest, I do not care too much about what that kid is going to wear. But I care very much about what will go into its heart. I would love to see my future child's heart being filled with poetry.
But I didn't. I think having a onesie without a baby, a babyless onesie around in my house would depress me without end. I have often bought baby clothes for friends and kept them in my house until a birthday or Christmas or Easter came around so that I could send them. It always made me sad. The view of a toddler's overalls without a toddler or a little dress without a little one to fill it with giggles and joy is unbelievably depressing. I started avoiding the baby clothing sections in the stores I regularly shop at.
But yesterday, I fell for a trap and bought something for the baby. It is not a pair of overalls, a little dress or a onesie. No, I found a book. It is called "Poems to Learn by Heart" by Caroline Kennedy. It has the most beautiful watercolor images and is filled with poems fit for almost every occasion. And these are not the typical children's poems and nursery rhymes, but works by Langston Hughes or William Carlos Williams, by Shakespeare or Silverstein. I love it!
Of course, I would love to dress the baby in cute outfits, but to be honest, I do not care too much about what that kid is going to wear. But I care very much about what will go into its heart. I would love to see my future child's heart being filled with poetry.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Counseling?
Dr. Stork wants her patients to get counseling before they start the insemination process. I am not quite sure what to think about this.
In general, I am all for counseling and I understand why a doctor wants to cover her bases and sends her patients to counseling. After all, this is about people's lives. On the other hand, I do not really feel like I "need" counseling right now.
I started to look into the possibility of becoming an SMC many years ago, when I found a book about it in a used bookstore. The thought about it had crossed my mind even earlier but I think it was after I read this first book that I started seeing this as a real option for me. Since then, I read many more books about the topic and I became more and more convinced that this is what I want to do.
So, this is not something, I came up with over night or over the weekend. It took years for me to move forward and to decide that I will really do this. It would have been nice to talk to a counselor at an earlier point in the process but at this point I think I am already set.
Maybe I am also a little nervous because I do not know what to expect. I am not sure what there still is to discuss and if this will be over and done with in one meeting or if they want me to come back for several sessions. The whole insemination process is quite expensive and now this is an additional cost - a cost that I do not really see the value of at this point in time. So, I hope I won't have to attend more than one counseling session.
In any case, I want to comply with my doctor and so I set up a counseling appointment. The appointment is in 2 1/2 weeks and I am glad, it will get me a step closer to becoming a mom.
In general, I am all for counseling and I understand why a doctor wants to cover her bases and sends her patients to counseling. After all, this is about people's lives. On the other hand, I do not really feel like I "need" counseling right now.
I started to look into the possibility of becoming an SMC many years ago, when I found a book about it in a used bookstore. The thought about it had crossed my mind even earlier but I think it was after I read this first book that I started seeing this as a real option for me. Since then, I read many more books about the topic and I became more and more convinced that this is what I want to do.
So, this is not something, I came up with over night or over the weekend. It took years for me to move forward and to decide that I will really do this. It would have been nice to talk to a counselor at an earlier point in the process but at this point I think I am already set.
Maybe I am also a little nervous because I do not know what to expect. I am not sure what there still is to discuss and if this will be over and done with in one meeting or if they want me to come back for several sessions. The whole insemination process is quite expensive and now this is an additional cost - a cost that I do not really see the value of at this point in time. So, I hope I won't have to attend more than one counseling session.
In any case, I want to comply with my doctor and so I set up a counseling appointment. The appointment is in 2 1/2 weeks and I am glad, it will get me a step closer to becoming a mom.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Negative
Last Tuesday, I suddenly got a phone call from Dr. Stork's office. The nurse called me to let me know my blood test results and it turns out, everything is negative. Well, in case of the STDs that certainly is a good thing, but when it comes to my blood type and CMV status, maybe not so much...
I did a little research and it turns out that only 15% of all people are Rh negative. If the mother is negative and the father is positive, there is a chance that the child could be positive, too. This in turn could cause complications if the blood of the mother and the baby got interchanged during the pregnancy or birth. There are ways of reducing the risk with shots etc. but there still is a risk and mothers who are negative should consider to buy only sperm from donors that are also negative.
I talked to P. L., my friend the Power Latina, about it. She said that the same was the case in her family, where her mom is negative and her father is positive. Her brother is positive, but it all turned out okay. This was more than 35 years ago in Mexico, so she thinks, I should not worry too much about it.
But it is not only my Rh factor that is negative, but also my CMV status. CMV is a flu virus that almost all people have been exposed to in their life, usually via chicken pox, cold sores, or mono. Even though I had chicken pox as a child and I believe I also had cold sores before, I tested negative for CMV. I don't have any antibodies in my blood. Should I get exposed to the virus during pregnancy, or if the sperm is CMV positive, the baby could have developmental problems, and be born blind, deaf, etc. So, this is a serious risk to consider, too, when I make a decision about the sperm donor.
I really seem to be a rare kind of breed with a negative blood type and a negative CMV status. One of the sperm banks I looked into has about 300 donors, but only one of them has a negative blood type and a negative CMV status. He is not an open id donor and is brand new to the bank, so no pregnancies have been reported, yet.
It is already hard to find a donor that is negative in one area, but one that is negative in both areas drastically limits my choices. So, I will spend the next weeks trying to figure out what is important to me and which risks I am willing to take in all of this. I definitely have to look into more sperm banks.
I did a little research and it turns out that only 15% of all people are Rh negative. If the mother is negative and the father is positive, there is a chance that the child could be positive, too. This in turn could cause complications if the blood of the mother and the baby got interchanged during the pregnancy or birth. There are ways of reducing the risk with shots etc. but there still is a risk and mothers who are negative should consider to buy only sperm from donors that are also negative.
I talked to P. L., my friend the Power Latina, about it. She said that the same was the case in her family, where her mom is negative and her father is positive. Her brother is positive, but it all turned out okay. This was more than 35 years ago in Mexico, so she thinks, I should not worry too much about it.
But it is not only my Rh factor that is negative, but also my CMV status. CMV is a flu virus that almost all people have been exposed to in their life, usually via chicken pox, cold sores, or mono. Even though I had chicken pox as a child and I believe I also had cold sores before, I tested negative for CMV. I don't have any antibodies in my blood. Should I get exposed to the virus during pregnancy, or if the sperm is CMV positive, the baby could have developmental problems, and be born blind, deaf, etc. So, this is a serious risk to consider, too, when I make a decision about the sperm donor.
I really seem to be a rare kind of breed with a negative blood type and a negative CMV status. One of the sperm banks I looked into has about 300 donors, but only one of them has a negative blood type and a negative CMV status. He is not an open id donor and is brand new to the bank, so no pregnancies have been reported, yet.
It is already hard to find a donor that is negative in one area, but one that is negative in both areas drastically limits my choices. So, I will spend the next weeks trying to figure out what is important to me and which risks I am willing to take in all of this. I definitely have to look into more sperm banks.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Life is unfair
The other day, I was skyping with my friend C. He is currently in Europe and has some housing issues. He was telling me about how unfair life is giving him all these problems even though he didn't do anything wrong. And I agree. He really should not have to deal with all these things. Life is not fair.
Whenever I feel down, because life treats me unfairly, I try to tell myself that all the unfairness also has its good sides. I mean, I was extremely lucky that I was born in a part of the world and during a time when there were no famines or wars going on. I did nothing to deserve this and yet, it happened to me - how unfair is that! Also, I have a loving family and my parents are still healthy and alive, while my friend's father is about to die of cancer. Why am I so lucky and she is not - where is the fairness in all of this? Sure, a lot of things happened in my life that were not nice. But all in all, at the end of the day, I have to admit: I am far better off in this life than I deserve.
So that's what I told C when we were talking about his housing situation. But there was still some sadness hanging over the situation. Finally I said:
"You know, C, if life was fair, I would have found my prince charming by now and I would not have to go through all of this to get pregnant on my own."
To which C immediately responded:
"If life was fair, M. (his boyfriend) would be able to have our kids, because, Lord knows, I would never do anything like that to my body."
I guess friends are people who can make you laugh even when times seem bleak.
Whenever I feel down, because life treats me unfairly, I try to tell myself that all the unfairness also has its good sides. I mean, I was extremely lucky that I was born in a part of the world and during a time when there were no famines or wars going on. I did nothing to deserve this and yet, it happened to me - how unfair is that! Also, I have a loving family and my parents are still healthy and alive, while my friend's father is about to die of cancer. Why am I so lucky and she is not - where is the fairness in all of this? Sure, a lot of things happened in my life that were not nice. But all in all, at the end of the day, I have to admit: I am far better off in this life than I deserve.
So that's what I told C when we were talking about his housing situation. But there was still some sadness hanging over the situation. Finally I said:
"You know, C, if life was fair, I would have found my prince charming by now and I would not have to go through all of this to get pregnant on my own."
To which C immediately responded:
"If life was fair, M. (his boyfriend) would be able to have our kids, because, Lord knows, I would never do anything like that to my body."
I guess friends are people who can make you laugh even when times seem bleak.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
First R.E. Appointment
I had my first R.E. appointment last Thursday. I originally set up an appointment with a different R.E. for May but because the other SMCs in my area kept on telling me it would be better to go and see their R.E., I made a new appointment with their R.E. - let's call her Dr. Stork.
Dr. Stork was very nice. I was told that she was very soft spoken and, as expected, I was very nervous and could barely get a sentence out. So, can you imagine two soft-spoken women sitting face to face trying to figure out how to get a baby into my tummy without a man? Yup, that first consultation was great!
I think Dr. Stork could not quite figure me out, so at some point she started to tell me everything from donor choices to conception. The flood gates were opened and all the knowledge came out at once. I had already read about most of it in books and wanted to ask some additional questions, but it was too late. There was no stopping of her flood of information anymore. So, I did not get all my questions answered but I still took some important things out of this conversation.
She also told me it would be better if I lost 50lbs before I started trying to conceive (no big surprise) but she was very nice to me about it. She said that she understands that this can be hard and she does not want to wait 2 years for me to lose these pounds. So, if I could not lose the pounds within the next months, we should try insemination anyway. I thought that was extremely nice. At least she did not kick me out of her office just because I am overweight.
I have already lost about 20 lbs since I started Weight Watchers a couple months ago, but here is to losing 50 more lbs!!! This is the goal I will be focused on for the next few months. I will do everything in my power to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I added a little weight-loss ticker to the side panel on the right (yup, that's me on that bicycle right there) and I will track my losses every Thursday.
Wish me luck!!!
I did not just want to leave Dr. Stork's office with just the weight loss advice. I wanted to know what is going on down there, if everything is okay, if I am still producing enough eggs etc. Waiting and not knowing is just cruel. So, she agreed to a yearly exam, pap smear, a panel of blood and urine tests and sent me to ultrasound to check my ovaries.
During the pelvic ultrasound, I could see one ovary but not the other one. The one I saw looked like it had some bubbles attached to it and I tried to ask the nurse who did the ultrasound if those were cysts or follicles but she did not really want to answer it. Later that day, I got a phone call from a different nurse who said that everything was okay. And then she wanted to hang up right away. I tried to quickly sneak in a couple more questions but I still don`t know if the bubbles I saw were follicles, if I produce enough of them, if they have the right size, what was going on with the other ovary that I could not even see on the ultrasound. I don`t know if the "okay" included the pap smear or if we are still waiting for the results etc. It all went so quickly. The only other piece of information she gave me was that I do not have any thyroid problems. [Darn, now I cannot even blame my weight on my thyroid :)] I have to call back next week to get the results of the blood tests and maybe I can get some more answers then.
I plan on going home to Europe in July. Ideally, I would like to start trying in August/ September (maybe in late June but that would be pushing the weight loss schedule quite a bit). If it worked in August/ September, the child would be born at the beginning of my summer break 2014 and it would fit perfectly into my academic year. However, when I come back from Europe, my cycle is usually pretty messed up because of the jet lag etc. So, I am also aware that it might not work out as planned.
And I am still a little unclear about the next steps after getting the blood test results. Do I have to do the day 2 or day 3 blood tests that all the women in the online forum keep talking about? Or was the blood I left there on Thursday (not my day 2 or 3) for similar tests? No clue. Maybe I will find out next week.
The plan for now is to wait for the blood test results, to diet and to exercise every day, and to search the interwebs for the best sperm donor for my baby that is out there.
Dr. Stork was very nice. I was told that she was very soft spoken and, as expected, I was very nervous and could barely get a sentence out. So, can you imagine two soft-spoken women sitting face to face trying to figure out how to get a baby into my tummy without a man? Yup, that first consultation was great!
I think Dr. Stork could not quite figure me out, so at some point she started to tell me everything from donor choices to conception. The flood gates were opened and all the knowledge came out at once. I had already read about most of it in books and wanted to ask some additional questions, but it was too late. There was no stopping of her flood of information anymore. So, I did not get all my questions answered but I still took some important things out of this conversation.
She also told me it would be better if I lost 50lbs before I started trying to conceive (no big surprise) but she was very nice to me about it. She said that she understands that this can be hard and she does not want to wait 2 years for me to lose these pounds. So, if I could not lose the pounds within the next months, we should try insemination anyway. I thought that was extremely nice. At least she did not kick me out of her office just because I am overweight.
I have already lost about 20 lbs since I started Weight Watchers a couple months ago, but here is to losing 50 more lbs!!! This is the goal I will be focused on for the next few months. I will do everything in my power to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I added a little weight-loss ticker to the side panel on the right (yup, that's me on that bicycle right there) and I will track my losses every Thursday.
Wish me luck!!!
I did not just want to leave Dr. Stork's office with just the weight loss advice. I wanted to know what is going on down there, if everything is okay, if I am still producing enough eggs etc. Waiting and not knowing is just cruel. So, she agreed to a yearly exam, pap smear, a panel of blood and urine tests and sent me to ultrasound to check my ovaries.
During the pelvic ultrasound, I could see one ovary but not the other one. The one I saw looked like it had some bubbles attached to it and I tried to ask the nurse who did the ultrasound if those were cysts or follicles but she did not really want to answer it. Later that day, I got a phone call from a different nurse who said that everything was okay. And then she wanted to hang up right away. I tried to quickly sneak in a couple more questions but I still don`t know if the bubbles I saw were follicles, if I produce enough of them, if they have the right size, what was going on with the other ovary that I could not even see on the ultrasound. I don`t know if the "okay" included the pap smear or if we are still waiting for the results etc. It all went so quickly. The only other piece of information she gave me was that I do not have any thyroid problems. [Darn, now I cannot even blame my weight on my thyroid :)] I have to call back next week to get the results of the blood tests and maybe I can get some more answers then.
I plan on going home to Europe in July. Ideally, I would like to start trying in August/ September (maybe in late June but that would be pushing the weight loss schedule quite a bit). If it worked in August/ September, the child would be born at the beginning of my summer break 2014 and it would fit perfectly into my academic year. However, when I come back from Europe, my cycle is usually pretty messed up because of the jet lag etc. So, I am also aware that it might not work out as planned.
And I am still a little unclear about the next steps after getting the blood test results. Do I have to do the day 2 or day 3 blood tests that all the women in the online forum keep talking about? Or was the blood I left there on Thursday (not my day 2 or 3) for similar tests? No clue. Maybe I will find out next week.
The plan for now is to wait for the blood test results, to diet and to exercise every day, and to search the interwebs for the best sperm donor for my baby that is out there.
Friday, March 15, 2013
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - (314) by Emily Dickinson : The Poetry Foundation
Everything went fine during my first R.E. visit. More about it tomorrow. In one of the examination rooms was this Emily Dickinson poem on the wall and I still cannot get over how beautiful it is!
By Emily Dickinson
Source:
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - (314) by Emily Dickinson : The Poetry Foundation
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - (314)
“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -
I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
Source:
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - (314) by Emily Dickinson : The Poetry Foundation
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Upcoming appointment
Tomorrow is my first R.E. appointment and I am so nervous, I do not know what to do with myself. I can barely hold it together.
Since I have never been to an OBGYN or an R.E. before, I have no idea what to expect. I am worried about the exams and tests they will run. I am even more worried that there is some problem and I might not be able to have kids. I do not even want to think about this possibility.
I have tried to think many happy thoughts over the last weeks. I searched for a sperm donor online and read success stories from SMCs who got pregnant on their first or second try without any problems.
But unfortunately, there are not only happy stories out there. For every mom that had a child without problems, there is at least one other mom in the online forum who has tried everything in her power and still cannot get pregnant.
I watched Harry Potter tonight and I feel a little bit like stepping in front of the sorting hat. Tomorrow morning, I hope it will sort me into the sure-you-can-have-kids-without-problems house and not into the sorry-but-you-will-never-have-kids-and-die-alone house. I am not sure what is going to happen if the sorting hat chooses the second house. Since I started this journey, something changed inside of me and I do not think I will ever be able to change back.
Since I have never been to an OBGYN or an R.E. before, I have no idea what to expect. I am worried about the exams and tests they will run. I am even more worried that there is some problem and I might not be able to have kids. I do not even want to think about this possibility.
I have tried to think many happy thoughts over the last weeks. I searched for a sperm donor online and read success stories from SMCs who got pregnant on their first or second try without any problems.
But unfortunately, there are not only happy stories out there. For every mom that had a child without problems, there is at least one other mom in the online forum who has tried everything in her power and still cannot get pregnant.
I watched Harry Potter tonight and I feel a little bit like stepping in front of the sorting hat. Tomorrow morning, I hope it will sort me into the sure-you-can-have-kids-without-problems house and not into the sorry-but-you-will-never-have-kids-and-die-alone house. I am not sure what is going to happen if the sorting hat chooses the second house. Since I started this journey, something changed inside of me and I do not think I will ever be able to change back.
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