How to Throw a Pity Party

When an IUI does not work out or when you get invited to the third wedding or baby shower in 2 weeks or when you hear that your coworker is pregnant... again... without trying, it is time for a pity party. Here are some tips how to make your pity party a full success:

1. Be prepared.
Pity parties usually come out of nowhere, so be prepared for the unexpected! The question is not, if it will happen but when it will happen. So, being prepared is essential. Every good single household should have at least one emergency pint of ice cream hidden in the freezer. I prefer Ben and Jerry's Phish Food, but Chocolate Peanut Butter from Häagen Dazs will do, too. Calories do not count while you are partying, so do not read the nutrition label. But make sure to hide the ice cream behind some frozen brussels sprouts to avoid cravings when it is not a real emergency. 

2. Plan a time and date for your party.
No kidding. You do not want to break out into a pity party in the middle of a work day. Just like early guests at parties are annoying, so are tears rolling down your cheeks in your office. Set a time and date for your party. And don`t forget: All good things must come to an end at some point and this party is no exception. So, be prepared that the next day, you must be able to pick yourself up again.

3. Don`t worry about the guest list.
There won`t be any guests, but you, yourself and ... well you. Shared misery is only half the misery but the point of a pity party is to bath in your misery. So, if you throw a pity party, you better do it alone.

4. Pick a dress.
The dress code will clearly be grungy and comfy, but even when a girl is down, she can still show some style. Choose yoga pants over sweatpants, and cute pjs over your old college Tshirt. Hoodies with ample pocket room for used tissues make great pity party attire - but pick a cute one. There is a difference between a (pity) party girl and a loser.

5. Food choices.
Besides the emergency ice cream, you should also serve some other food. But do not worry, pity party food does not require any kind of culinary skills. Processed and pre-packaged food is preferable. But be careful before you dive into that random bag of potato chips! At some point the party will end and you cannot afford a food hangover. It is better to opt for food that you deeply desire but never allow yourself to eat. I personally opt for chocolate truffles or milano cookies. You know yourself best and what is good for you. Remember: During pity parties nutritional labels become invalid. One package equals one portion size which equals 0 calories.

6. Bottoms up.
Usually I would say that froofy drinks make great pity party beverages, but when you are trying to conceive, I would rather opt for a non-alcoholic drink. I would say, stick to water or herbal tea. If you dehydrate from all the crying, this will pick you right up again.

7. Location, location.
Your apartment is a great place for a pity party. Don`t try to move it to a public place or a friend`s house. They will not appreciate it. I would recommend your bed or the sofa for your pity party. Hold some tissues, soft blankets and fluffy pillows ready. You will need them. Trust me.

8. Don`t clean up before the party starts.
There is no point to it. Just trow yourself in there. It will be fine, I promise. Dust bunnies are our friends.

9. Select a theme.
Selecting a theme for a pity party can be tricky. Do not go with themes that are too broad like "The whole world hates me" or "Nobody loves me." These kind of parties are too big to handle on your own. They require professional help and should take place on the sofa of a counselor. Rather pick a specific topic like: "Shit, this IUI did not work". The more specific the better to keep the party under control.

10. Music and entertainment.
The right choice of music will set the atmosphere for your pity party. Pick some music that gets you into the right mood. I personally prefer Joni Mitchell, but whatever floats your boat... Remember there will be no dancing at your party, so do not pick any upbeat music. Rhythmically shaking your shoulders while sobbing to the beat of a sad song is as far as it goes during a pity party. You may sing, sob, cry along to the songs but no karaoke, please.
You may also pick a sad movie to watch during your pity party. Watching other people suffer will give you the illusion that you are not alone in your misery without bothering your real-life friends. I like "Ladies in Lavender" but you may pick the movie that best matches your mood. Falling asleep in front of the TV surrounded by empty bowls of ice cream, chocolate wrappers and used tissues is a sign that your pity party rocked the house! Congratulations, your party was a success!

That`s about it and all I got when it comes to throwing a pity party. But wait!!! The party might be over, but your work isn`t: You still have to avoid the hangover!

1. Get up!
Remember to pick yourself up the next morning. Do not stay down. You can do it! Deep down inside, you know that you are strong! The first steps are the hardest, but you can get yourself out of this hole if you keep on moving. With every step you take, it will get a little bit better. Trust me. Whenever you feel down again, tell yourself: The pity party is over.

A little side note: A pity party should not last more than a day. If you feel like your pity party goes on for days or even weeks, it is time to call in professional help in form of a party planner, read: psychologist or counselor. He can provide you with good advice how to get back up going - if necessary with anti-party drugs.

 2. Take care of yourself.
Take a hot shower! Use your favorite shower gel. Do not take a bath since baths let you soak in your own misery. So, take a hot shower and moisturize. Put on some make up that is not waterproof. This will prevent you from crying in public. Choose your favorite clothes and be prepared to look like the strong, fabulous woman that you are. Show your inner beauty on the outside. And smile!

3. Go back under people.
Meet up with friends and colleagues. Do not stay at home, but socialize. Do something fun together that takes your thoughts off your problems. There are so many nice things out in the world. Go and find them!

4. Buy yourself flowers!
They serve absolutely no practical purpose, nobody really "needs" flowers. If you are on a budget, you probably have not bought flowers in a long while. Flowers are things that people cross off their shopping lists as soon as money gets tight. But now it is time to buy yourself flowers. Flowers are therapeutic. You deserve something that you do not need. You are worth it. Flowers reflect the beauty that is inside of you and will bring a little bit of beauty into your apartment. But flowers do not last forever. With every day that your flowers wilt a little bit, be reminded that your strength grows. And by the time they are gone, the world will look completely different again and the pity party will long be forgotten.

5. Pick up the pieces.
Just like you have to pick up the trash the day after your party, you will also have to pick up your life. What is your next step? How are you going to get back on track? Make a list of long-term and short-term goals and strategies to reach these goals. You have fallen off the horse, now get yourself back up there. Every failure makes you stronger.

6. Polish your karma.
It is okay to still feel a little down. Sometimes, we do not succeed picking ourself up as quickly as we would like. But if you cannot make yourself feel better, help a friend feel better.  If you cannot lift your own burden, lift someone else`s. There is so much suffering and struggling in this world, and there shouldn`t be. Find a friend or a coworker who is going through a rough time in life and lend him or her an ear. Do not talk about your problems, but be there for them - completely. Listen, comfort, and lift them up. Helping others always makes me feel better and who knows? Maybe next time, they will be there for you. What goes around, comes around.

And finally:
7. Don`t give up!!!

Being treated like a criminal

A few weeks ago, I read an article about a nurse who was asked to help care for a man, who had committed several horrible crimes and killed multiple people. She could have declined the job, but she accepted it. The article was about how she dealt with the situation - on the one hand feeling committed to her job and trying to be professional. On the other hand feeling disgusted by his crimes (and maybe even hating him for what he did). In the article she described what her daily work routine looked like. She felt obliged to give this man what was absolutely necessary but made a point of not giving him the tiniest bit more than that. Her little form of protest was not to call him "honey" or "sweety" when she interacted with him.

This past week, I had my second IUI. Since my first IUI, I felt quite frustrated with Dr. Stork and my nurse. They always do their job, but never anything beyond the bare minimum. When I paid for a test or an ultrasound, I would get the test or the ultrasound. But nothing beyond that. For example, I asked the nurse about the results of a test and she gave me the numbers, but nothing else. When I asked her what these numbers really meant for me and my further treatment or what she thought I should do next, she told me that it was up to me. Everything was always just up to me. It was so frustrating.
I cannot make these decisions, since I do not have a medical degree. All I know about the subject is from the books I read and some strangers on the internet who answer questions in an online forum. I go to the doctor to get advice but all they do is force me to take more and more tests without explanation.

When I got my second IUI, I was almost out of the door already when I remembered to ask about my progesterone and if I should continue taking progesterone. The nurse had already disappeared so the receptionist called her back and she told me that I should in fact continue taking progesterone. What bothered me so much is that she would not have told me if I had not asked about it. So, now I am wondering what else she is not telling me just because I do not know that I have to ask about it. 

Yesterday, I finally realized that my nurse could be the nurse from that article. She is doing her job and giving me the minimum treatment or information necessary, but nothing beyond that. I have a feeling that she is not agreeing with my choice to become a single mother and that this might be the reason why she is not giving me any advice. She is doing her job, but she is highly indifferent towards me becoming pregnant which is pretty much my life at the moment.

I think I have to let this nurse and doctor go.

This is not easy for me, since she came recommended from other SMCs and I trusted their judgment. But by now, one of the SMCs who had recommended her to me has moved on to a different doctor, too. I am disappointed and quite hurt. I am just trying to have a baby, I am not a criminal who killed other people.

On Monday, Dr. Stork is supposed to call me back and we will see how that will turn out... I already made a new appointment with a different doctor, but that doctor cannot see me until the end of October and is probably going to have me redo all the tests. So, more costs for me even though I did nothing wrong. Life is so unfair right now.

Disappearing support team

I just had my second IUI. More details about it later...

Has anybody ever noticed how people disappear over time. When I started this "journey to motherhood", I had friends rooting for me. I was told that I was brave and that they were happy for me. With every single hurdle or fallback, there are fewer and fewer times they ask about me or about this process. They disappear. It is easy to root for the winning team, but when times get harder, and you would need them the most, the cheering crowds disappear... Feeling a little lonely right now...