Before

Tomorrow morning, my "before" ends.

I know this sounds like a weird statement but there is a background story to this. I bought these super early pregnancy tests that advertise a success rate of more than 50% if you take them 6 days before your missed period. So, tomorrow morning, I could take the very first pregnancy test in my life.

I could.

But I am not sure if I should...

For the last days, I wanted to test so badly. It drove me crazy that everything could have been already decided but I would have to wait and wait before I would be able to find out a result. But now, that tomorrow is almost here, I am not sure what to do.

If I would get a positive result, it would be the end of my life as I know it. I would no longer be the single gal. I would be the pregnant, soon-to-be mom. I would be everything I always wanted to be.

But I would also worry. I would worry that the baby would not "stick". That something might still go wrong. That I should eat healthier, not lift so heavy, should try to increase my progesterone etc. etc. I would worry how and when to tell my parents or my friends.

But most of all, I think I would be happier than ever before in my life. It would be pure bliss! Life would never be the same again.



But what if I will get a negative result?

I know my heart would break...

Sure, I could try to find comfort in reminding myself, that it might be too early for me to test. I ovulated relatively late (I always do). So, maybe my body also needs more time for implantation and to produce hCG - the hormone that pregnancy tests are supposed to detect. I could repeat the test a few days later. which might give me an even higher success rate. But my heart would be broken and I would be worrying even more and I would get sadder and sadder with every day and every negative test result. Life would never be the same again, either.

But right now, it is not tomorrow yet. I cannot test, yet, I can still hope, have faith and feel my love grow for a baby that might be growing inside of me. I am not sure, if I am ready, yet, to give up that hope and faith in exchange for some chemical fact in form of a stick that I am supposed to pee on.

Not quite ready yet...