The Struggles of the TWW

This is my first TWW. Despite reading online forums and websites, I have to admit, I had no clue, how hard it would be.

Trying to conceive as a single mom is all about waiting. First, you wait for your very first R.E. appointment, nervous if the doctor will accept you as a patient even though you are not married or in a relationship. Then you wait for the cycle that you have chosen to be THE cycle. Then you wait for your ovulation and your insemination, only to be thrown into the TWW. And if, yes only if you are blessed enough, you wait for holding your baby in your arms for the very first time.

You seem to have so little influence on the outcome and you just wait and wait and wait.

In my opinion, one of the worst things about the TWW is that everything might already be decided by now, but yet, I still have to wait for 10 days or so, to be able to find out. Maybe the insemination took place too late and I had already ovulated much earlier than the OPK indicated. Maybe the fact that I felt the insemination on my left side but the ultrasound a few days earlier had shown the biggest egg on the right side was already a sign that it did not work. If it is clear at this point that it did not work, I would like to know it. I hate hoping and wishing and waiting for 10 more days if everything is decided already.

To make matters worse, I am not even sure what exactly I am waiting for. A positive pregnancy test, of course, but a positive test on which day? Should I test on day 10? That will be the day that I will fly to Europe. Should I test on board of a airplane over the Atlantic? Should I wait until 14 dpo? I will be in Europe then and even if I get a positive result, I won`t be able to get a blood test done until I return to the US, 4 weeks later!!! My two week wait might actually turn into a six week wait - oh the horror, but still a million times better than a negative result!

When my mother became pregnant with me, she went to the doctor who had her take urine tests and all the tests came back negative until she was in her third month and he finally decided to examine her instead of just trusting the tests. And surprise! Sure enough, she was pregnant with me. She had been all along.

So, for now, I am waiting for any signs, for a positive pregnancy test and a positive feeling. I am waiting and waiting and waiting...