IUI #4

So, I am currently in the middle of my 2WW for IUI #4. After I had recovered from the failure of what I thought was the perfect IUI (perfect timing, perfect 2WW etc.), I sat down and thought about my future plans.

My long-term plan has always been to keep on trying until the end of the year and if I did not get pregnant by then, to stop, start saving more money, start losing more weight and eventually do an IVF in Europe next summer. So, after the last IUI did not work out, I figured this would be my last try and it had to be my best try.

First, I got an ultrasound as mandated by Dr. Stork, to make sure I did not grow any cysts. I did not and was all cleared.

I then decided to take letrozole, hoping that this time, I would grow two eggs. Unfortunately, my body decided not to grow two eggs but instead one egg and something tiny and round in my uterus that my doctor said looked like a polyp. Great! Obviously, my body and I are not on the same page when it comes to the plan for this cycle. Last time, I had an extremely short period and I think it might be related to that. My doctor assured me that it was probably harmless and due to the small size and the location, it would not really influence my chances to conceive. So, I went ahead with the conception and used two vials in the hopes to increase the sperm count - which it did not really do drastically. I heard from other women that they had a higher count with one vial than I had with two.

This IUI was nothing like my last "perfect" cycle. There were no rainbows, but a cloudy, slightly rainy sky and I had no time to lie down but had to rush back to work. The warm, fuzzy, positive feeling I had last time, turned into a rather nervous and bad feeling this time....

In addition to that, I had to go to a work event this weekend. I had to give a presentation with a colleague of mine and, let`s put it this way, she was not the easiest to work with. So, I was under a lot of stress and usually my body already reacts to the tiniest bit of stress. Also, I had to drive more than 300 miles and since I did not want to take my own car, I rented one. As it was my luck, the rental car was in dire need of getting its tires rotated. As soon as I hit the highway, the entire car started shaking so badly that I had a hard time to hold the steering wheel straight. Later at night, when I was lying in bed, I could still feel everything around me shaking. So, I really do not know how with all the stress, the shaking car and the polyp, an egg could possibly stand the slightest chance for proper implantation.

Anyway, I will wait until the end of the week before I will test. Someone told me that it is important to hold on to hope as long as possible, so that is what I am trying to do. I still have some important work events this week and I do not want to be too sad and distracted during them. However, I am already a total mess. I have really bad PMS and could just cry all day long because of everything and everyone. Usually, get angry or agitated when I have PMS but this time, I am just incredibly sad. Maybe it is the medication or the bad circumstances. I also started to have some cramping. It was hard to tell yesterday, while I drove back home in that shaking car, but today, I clearly felt like AF was about to arrive. It is not so much cramping, but more a sort of pulling sensation, but I sometimes get it before or during AF. It does not feel too good.

So, for now, I will just keep on waiting and holding on to that tiny shred of hope left in me...