Enough!

Last Saturday, Hope from "A Crack in Everything" posted about the "The Sadim Touch" and ever since, the post has been stuck in my head. I loved that post.

Sadim is Midas spelled backwards and if you remember your greek myths, you might know that Midas' gift of choice was that everything he touched would turn into gold. What seemed as a blessing at first turned into a curse when he had to find out that there were no exceptions. His food and even his loved ones would turn to gold as well.

In her post, Hope refers to another website about Modern Loss. The idea behind the sadim touch is the feeling - whether it is true or not - that one might be cursed. That everything around us goes wrong, or even that people around us keep on dying, because we subconsciously attract bad luck or are cursed somehow.

Recently, my fourth IUI failed. With each failed attempt, my longing for answers grew: Why? What is wrong with me that I cannot get pregnant even when I have seemingly perfect timing? Am I cursed somehow?

Years and years ago, during an argument, my mom did it. In a burst of anger she yelled at me:

"You... you will never have kids!"

I don't even recall the argument anymore. I was still a teenager and I might have been criticizing her because she was disciplining me for something. I might have told her that I will never raise my kids like she raised me. And then she said it. It hit me like a bold of lightening. I remember being in utter shock because of her words. They hurt so much that I still remember them.

But yet, I don't think that I am cursed. If my mom had the power the curse me, she would also have the power to bless me - and if she had the power to bless me with a child, I would hold one in my arms right now.

For me, failing one IUI after another feels more like being left over. Do you remember when you were in gym class and the captains selected their teams? Each captain picked one or two people and then the other captain got to choose and so it went back and forth until everybody was on a team... unless there was an uneven number. Then one kid had to sit that game out and got benched.

I feel like I got benched by life.

Instead of finding their teams, everybody found their husbands or spouses or partners ... except for me - I am left over.
Instead of playing with the others, scoring one goal after another, my friends played family and had one baby after another... except for me - I am still benched.

But why? What is wrong with me? In gym class, you are the one left over when you cannot run fast enough or play ball well enough. But why am I benched in life? What is it that I am lacking? Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Is that why I cannot find a husband and have a child?

Pondering about these questions reminded me of a quote by Anna Quindlen:
"After all those years as a woman hearing 'not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not this enough, not that enough,' almost overnight I woke up one morning and thought, 'I'm enough.'

So, I finally came to the conclusion: Enough!

There is no point in blaming myself for not having a child right now or for not being married. It is not my fault. Maybe there were too many kids for too few teams. Or maybe there were too many teams and we should have all actually been on the same team, playing around with a big colorful parachute instead. After all, the world is not black and white and there is not just one cause to one effect. There are so many colors and so many things that intertwine and play together for one thing to happen or in my case: to not happen. Blaming just one tiny variable, blaming just me tiny variable, is plain old silly.

So, enough with all the blaming!